Fishook

Ashton.

2010-03-04T13:01:00.000-08:00

A year and a week ago I received a phone call from my old childhood friend Ashton. He was calling me to tell me our other friend Jay had passed away.

Today I got a phone call from my friend Grete. It was to tell me that Ashton had died.

I am searching within myself for some strength in this moment. I am devastated. Two of my best friends from childhood have died within a year and a week of each other. The relationships that I had with both of them will remain as some of the best and oldest friendships I've ever had and hope to have. I can not even begin to express the impression that these two made upon my childhood and entire life. I cannot begin to image my loss. I cannot begin to imagine life without them.

Blogggy?

2010-02-24T18:57:00.000-08:00

Schlomo has become my favorite thing to listen to while I'm typing the library.
Walter Library has become my favorite place to study while I'm cramming in school.
Pizza Pringles has become my favorite snack of choice while I'm running inbetween class.

Enough of that. Spanish has become the worst ache in my back. The standards for a Liberal Arts major is four semesters of a language...which I think is mad considering my sister is becoming a 6th grade teacher and she does not have to have any. Neither does my nursing student major...but I...whom is probably going to end up writing b.s. for the rest of my life has to know the complete grammar framework of a foreign language at the age of 21. Am I the only one that thinks this should have been a standard for me when I was 8? Not when it might as well be impossible for me to learn and really only around to bring everyone's gpa down?

The next thing I've decided to consider is Law school. I dunno. I mean I know I have the knack and passion to argue but I consider the justice system extremely flawed. Generally people would find that to be a reason to enter it, i.e they wanna change it, but being honest here...I think Democracy is dead and the free world is going along with it. Can someone PLEASE for the love of god get rid of the fucks that only think of themselves, that DO NOT want to work for the equality of all, that ONLY know how to consider themselves, that cannot live simple enough so that others can simply LIVE. Personally, my plan is to find some get rich scheme, buy an island, an instate my own free rule. None of this unequal, corrupted, evil, and greedy fucktard of a system.

Whenever I complain about the corruption in law people think it's time to bring up being a public defender. I suppose it would be the most logical thing for me to do. It might be one of the only things I'm comfortable with doing.

Maybe I should have been a theater major. Kim would appreciate that I think. Who am I kidding, I just want to end up as the next Tina Fey. Probably though, I'm not funny enough, i.e. too cynical. I have the bitterness of an eighty year old man...how does this happen? Just a few to blame...Jules, Pop Pop, Marg & Nora, Ann...also have you met my mother?

So I guess I'm back to blogging. Buuuhhhh we'll see how this goes. We'll see how this month goes. A week sounds a little less committed when everyday is like today.

Kill me.

2009-09-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

I am feeling really claustraphobic with my life right now. I really can't get away from it. And it's not that I want to...it's that I need to, because it is killing me. I am so stressed out that my head might explode. I just don't really know what to do. Every step that I take has some stupid fucking trap door attached that drops me literally, LITERALLY forty steps down. Yesterday my wallet got stolen. Im fucked. I can't get a new liscense without another form of photo id...oh my ucard was in my wallet. Now I have to find my social security card and birth certificate bring it in with me, get my lisense. Then I have to wait for a month, if not longer, to get the liscense. Before that, I can't get a ucard without my liscense, and I can't get a upass without my ucard. I also can't buy my books without my ucard...so in other words for the next month, I have no identification of ANY kind, I have no books, no transportation and NO MORE PATIENCE. I FUCKED for my classes, FUCKED for money, FUCKED for my social life all because some fuckass decided to steal my wallet. I cannot even EXPRESS my frustration, anger and utter discontent with my life. I'm already overloaded as it is being an overtime student with a full time job and next year I have a senior paper AND a job to find. I'm fucked. My head is fucked.

Everything just seems to get worse and worse. My cat never stop fucking meowing at the door. My sister still has yet to contact me. My foot got jammed in the bus door. My dad is destroying my family's life and everyone is dumb about it. I don't sleep. My cats new favorite place to jump on is my face. Im so depressed classes seem really hard to make it to, I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what makes me happy anymore because it's been such a long time.

Jay

2009-03-02T07:07:00.000-08:00

I think what is the weirdest part about Jay dying is the fact that I have memories with him that I don't have with anyone else. Really awkward memories that are now some of the funniest and favorite moments of my extremely awkward life. Whenever we'd see each other these moments were often reminisced upon. I think even if we didn't joke about them they were implied simply by having a brain relapse of the memories from seeing each other. It wasn't cute or romantic or anything like that; just hilarious. Jay was hilarious. He was one of the most sentimentally nice guys I have ever met; he never changed from the day I met him to the day he died.

I think my most vivid memory from our tiffs in grade school was Valentine's day in maybe 7th grade? He brought me my FIRST bouquet of flowers ever, not roses (much appreciated). We went skiing with our school that day and I was about as excited about it as excited as I would be about sticking my head into a bucket of eels. Coordination is limited in swimming; no sense of balance is necessary. I was terribly nervous, not looking forward to embarrassing myself in front of my first boyfriend let alone my entire middle school. Jay was really good, I tried and failed MISERABLY, eating shit in the snow. He helped me get up and I headed back to the warming house for the rest of the day. He visited me a few times during the day and we sat on the bus next to each other on the way home.

I find Jay and I's relationship old, but still not left out of my memory or left out of the events that all come together to make me, me. I wish I would have seen him more before his death, the time we spent together in high school and especially in college was nothing extensive in the slightest. Every once in a while I would see him for about an hour, it was nice to see him more and more. I wish Jay would not have died not just because it's such a waste, or that it's heartbreakingly sad, or because I will always miss him; it's because he's Jay and he's the last person in the world who should have died. He was one of my oldest friends, my first boyfriend, and the last person I will ever forget not just because he died, but because he was my friend and he left an impression on all his friends.

The funeral is tomorrow, it's my mom's birthday so I want to ask Aaron to take me but I feel like this last week has been such an emotional roller coaster for our relationship and our own lives that it seems like it would be a lot for him to see me cry more about it. It's going to be an emotional day tomorrow and I want to be steady but that seems like a lot to ask, which is why it seems appropriate I should take him with.

2008-09-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

I cleaned out my car today. It was sad saying goodbye to it. I left a bunch of crap in it for them to clean out. Serves them right not telling me straight out. Telling me twenty minutes before it was going to go. Lying to my face.

I've decided to leave for all holidays from here on out. Good luck fighting over me then. Later I plan on leaving to somewhere forever. With little phone service and a mail service that only comes once a week. I'll also put an axe through my computer. Plan You pushed me away so now I'm bowing out forever is officially in effect.

2008-09-23T21:28:00.001-07:00

I am going to detain doing the last two pages of my paper to update my blog. Blogging has been really popping up in my life lately, which is kind of odd because I always put this thing on the back burner. I have ideas, I have things that I wanna say, but I dunno they always end up in my actual journal instead of on the screen. What can I say, I'm old fashioned and I like doodling.

I'm going to be honest and say that I wish it was Halloween. I wanna see Sarah. I wanna be dressed and made up. I wanna be all over the place. But instead I'm in my room, writing a paper on how Germans became Nazis, which is rough to focus on when all you want to be doing is Halloweening it up. There is also some crazy girl throwing bottles behind my house. Thoughts?

This weekend I have too much crapola going on. On Saturday night there's the Disney/jeans cutoff party, but there's also the Griak and a party at the Fort. I have to go to the latter two because of recruiting requirements andddd their both on campus so stumbling between the two will require minimal effort regarding transportation on my part.

I have nothing to talk about. Except that I envy my roommate's excitement about Mpls. I wish I was still somewhat enthused by the city.

2008-09-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know how much longer I can last in this city. I think I need to leave soon and in a big way. I think I need to leave and never come back. I think I need to leave everyone and everything behind. I think it's time for me to live. I think it's time for me to love.

2008-06-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know how good reading is for me at times. I get so bored with my own life that I immerse myself completely in theirs, getting further and further away from coming back to the real world.

I need a change. Like a huge change. Something that is going to excite me and make me change for the better. Im just sick of most of the elements that make up my life currently. I'm sick of my friends, sick of my clothes, my hair, myself. I feel like I'm a really lame person. Like one of those people that your friends with but that you don't really have an opinion on because she's too disconnected from everyone to really care enough. I'm becoming less social. I'm closing in on myself more and more, my book is leading me through it.

There is nothing particularly special about the book that I am reading right now. In fact it's kind of embarrassing. I'm reading the Twilight series, they're actually fairly decent. They're quick reads and basically romance novels for teens. I think I just like imagining life otherwise, other than the way that I live it. I like to think that there are alternatives that see the lighter, or darker, side of life, that there are some people already closer to hell and heaven than others.

I'm going to work soon. I'm quitting my job. It's going to be a rough year, I can already feel it creeping up on me. I have zero money and I work all the time. I need a desk job. I need a place where I have to speak with minimal people and have time for my own brain to work on itself. I can't think over things when I'm walking all over a restaurant worrying about whether or not people are getting taken care of. I have to quit, I'll die if I don't.

wow.

2008-06-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

I hate comcast. It is the most unreliable money grubbing company on the entire fucking planet. I have zero patience for Comcast, there is nothing that makes me more mad than the fact that I pay a ridiculous amount to get absolute shit service that keeps cutting out on me.

I hate my job too. I hate it so much. It now consists of me going to work, doing what I do, and then the owner tells me what I did wrong. It's like being a hostage at all times. I can't even breathe because of the amount of stress this job puts on me. I don't like being yelled at every thirty seconds, as odd as that sounds. I don't like it when people just constantly make me feel stupid about the things that I do. I think that she is trying to get me to be something that I am definitely not, and something that I am fine with not being. Maybe I'm just not a good cocktail waitress, couldn't that just be the answer? But still i trudge on to work, dreading the next 11 hours where I will be subject to criticism coming from all different sides. I dunno how much longer I will be able to do it. Amy has this huge plan for me where she wants me to work there for the last years of my college career and then "live without debts." I was living without debts before, maybe not as prosperously but I was getting along ok. I just don't know how much I'm going to be able to deal with until my head snaps into a pez dispenser and I run out screaming.

I think something Ryan said to me earlier is making a lot of sense. He said that everyone does what they do and makes the decisions they make. Maybe they aren't the right decisions but at the time there was some reason why you decided to make that choice, something was telling you to go with that option instead of perhaps the right one. Forget your shit, you don't need to bring it around with you, everyones got a rather large amount of their very own. I like that. I think it holds true with a lot of things in my life. Cut the shit. Cut the fat.

I've been attempting to get mad about less things. I get mad so easily at times and I don't like to do that. I think I just apply my feelings towards work to everything. I came home today and Deidre and Kim were talking shit about me in the dining room. Well, not really, I mean they were just talking about how my room is dirty or some shit. Good thing I'm not a big enough of a pussy to hide the fact that I can hear them and that I don't care how awkward that is going to make them towards me. Deidre texted me asking me if I was ok. I said I was fine and that I wasn't mad but i feel like what i should have said was "save it. I'm not really in the mood for your kiss ass shit." But then again things have been going well between the three of us and the last thing that i need is another tirade against me. So, instead, I'm just going to do my own thing for the next couple of days. I have to work mostly on the weekends but I think other than that I'm not really planning on giving them the time of day for a bit. Not to like punish them or anything but I just feel like I'm over the whole talking to my roommates thing for the time being. I don't think they know a thing about me, and I'll just let them think that they do.

I just hate that fake crap that people pull sometimes. Like Deidre feeling bad, or Kim being my best friend whenever she's drunk or people giving you the pity "heyyyyy" right after everyone knows something fucking awkward happened. It's not that it made me feel bad about myself it was just like, honestly? Please stop following me around the apartment and trying to include me in your shit, I don't want to hang out with you. I don't really want to be around you. Leave me alone. I just don't feel like particularly dealing with it, but I don't feel like being mad about either, so I'm just going to ignore it. What a Cancer way to handle things.

Stupid.

2008-06-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am currently sitting...at my apartment. Bored out of my mind. I need two things, and neither of those things are available to me so I have decided that I will attempt to veer my thoughts elsewhere by updating my blog. The blog that i do at times obviously neglect.

I went to see "The Secret Fall of Constance Wilde" this fine evening after going to dinner with Cole. I love the perks of the food industry; the perpetual nature of working in the food industry, the crabby over-stressed people that have fallen into that very perpetual nature, and FREE Guthrie tickets! What else could you ask for?

The other night my friend Jony called me to tell me he was up and moving to New York to go to Culinary school, dropping out of college that is. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly jealous. When high school was on the winding road down I expected myself to not only get out of Minnesota, but to make myself something that I knew I would love. I do not think that I liked myself in the littlest bit when I was in high school, but I suppose that is how most people feel after they move on from that stage in their lives. I think in some ways I expected myself to go to New York, or Chicago, or San francisco, somewhere stupidly trendy and excruciatingly immersed in culture so that I could lose myself in it and hopefully come out without a drug addiction. I think this became less appealing after my brother did exactly what I just described, only he was not so successful.

After hanging up from talking to Jony I began the sort of circle thinking that causes my chest to heave and my brain to overwhelm itself. What if I get stuck here forever? What if I become a lifer at a restaurant and never make anything of myself? What if I just remain the fruit fly i have become? Will I be lonely forever, doomed to wonder in spinsterhood? I love Minnesota, but I think in some ways the University of Minnesota is the embodiment of so many stereotypes that I've never believed in and hoped to escape. Instead I just embarked on a whole new chapter in my life, one with even more self-promotion and judgement and even less truth and justice.

The thing is that I know that I love it here. I love my friends more than I ever have before, as said, "You don't go to college to meet your husband, you go to meet your bridesmaids." Although I sit by as my friends, not just people I know, concoct different racist slurs, ways they can get skinnier or blonder, and more things they can spend their parent's money on. I've never been more self conscious and I've never been around more people that I love in all my life. It's a constant conflict, but then again things are never black and white, they are always intertwined. People look for the simplicity in things, in fact they expect them. One would think that something as simple of an emotion as happiness would be easy to achieve, yet people fail to realize that frustration is the most common of human emotions and trying to work your way around it is folly. Trying to do one thing without it's complete contradiction is almost impossible. There is always the other side to think of, and how those two sides are going to mix together, whether harmoniously or not.

So there we have it, someone else it living my life, but I think I can live with that. I understand now that finishing something that I have started should be important to me and that leaving loose ends untied only make my situations more complicated and hurtful. I've learned that to speak your mind can mean weaving a web of lies, but to speak your heart causes the truth to come out every time. There are no absolute certainties in life except that things will be difficult, wonderful and stupid; for lack of a better word.

More Blah

2008-05-25T22:33:00.001-07:00

I had to work today. It was a bit of a disaster. I accidently forgot to order a table's food and I just kept telling them their food was coming before I realized I suck. It ended up being cool but all in all I felt a bit poopy in the end. I feel like I'm a huge disaster. Not like in a uber-clutzy sort of way but in every way that the word could describe it otherwise I suppose. I'm a mess all the time, I'm completely disorganized, I stress myself out, I don't shower nearly enough and my hair totally reflects all these things about me.

I'm sitting in my living room. The apartment is so empty. I feel like I really really like my roommates, but at the same time I don't find any of them particularly consoling. I guess I need someone to be consoling for me at times, just like some people need the same thing and you console them. I'm just really excited about my living situations next year, I'm living with all chill ass cool guys. I'm over the top pumped for coming home everyday to see my hot best friends that don't bring out my most dramatic side. Like i said, I love my roommates, I just don't want to be roommates with them anymore.

I feel like I've been trying to self reflect more and more. At some points in my life I think that I was totally not communicating with myself at all. Like when I think of what I'm like now and compare it to what I was like my senior year of high school, the two are so distant. I was so uptight and wound up all the time for god only fucking knows what, probably something really stupid. Now I feel as chill as can be, while at the same time making reactions to things. I feel like there are points in my life where I would just react to everything and react accordingly. I definitely think that my relationship with my dad has a lot to do with that. I think I've just basically been putting myself out there, whatever to whoever wants to attempt to interpret.

I can't find my backscratcher anywhere. I feel as though if anyone else knew it was in existence, they would have taken it as they are extremely valuable items, and by valuable I mean the most useful things on the planet.

2008-04-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like these last couple weeks I have just been running on a treadmill to nowhere. I feel like everything that I do is the biggest waste of my time. I feel like I work all the time but never make any money. I feel like I study all the time but I never get better grades. I feel like I try to go the extra length and no one ever notices. I don't think I've ever felt more like a robot in my life than I do now. I can't even think because there isn't any outlet for me. I feel like I'm in the middle of forty crossroads and all of them look scary and dark, I have no idea which way to go next. I'm so stressed out I can't even breathe and I feel like everything is a new reason for me to have a panic attack. I've never felt like that. Before now when I fell I could always get back up, whenever I was drowning somehow I always made it back to the surface. I'm tripping hard now and I'm so close to drowning and nothing is helping me get out and I won't let myself forget that.

I got yelled at at work today because my manager says that I don't clean enough when I'm not busy. The whole time they were talking to me, I was thinking to myself, "this is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard." And no offense, but it is. Generally when people tell me to do more, I do it, I'm all for criticism. But this was fucking ridiculous. I get my ass kicked for no reason.

I don't want to work anymore. I just want to graduate college and do my own thing, marry Christian Slater and die. Is that so hard? I understand the low plausability of that happening but I've just realized that life is the biggest waste of time and so I'm going to do things to shorten it.

For Greg.

2008-02-25T18:03:00.000-08:00

i am attempting to avoid writing my paper basically debating the human condition in the Holocaust. Five pages of tip toeing through the tulips so as not to offend anyone and to hopefully, eventually and effectively come up with an idea as to whether or not I think that people are born or made corrupt...Thus far I have not come up with any conclusion other than humans are terrible people and when they aren't destroying others' and their own lives, they are thinking of what their karma induced comeuppance will be and attempting to avoid it by ignoring their own self identification in desperation to justify their actions.

I did some of my own ignoring of myself over the past couple of weeks. I do this thing that my mom does where I try to take everyone's problems as my own and try to fix them or I worry incessantly about them and I get so stressed I can barely breathe. It's not the best feeling in the world. I've been trying to distance myself from people for the last month or so. I'm starting to get those phone calls, you know the ones..."I feel like i haven't seen you in ten years..." blah blah business. When Greg died I got inclusive and didn't go anywhere for about a week. I've been avoiding talking about Greg just because I feel like there are too many things to say. At first I wanted to write like crazy, but then I decided to let things sift out and let my emotions take their own course rather than documenting the way that I feel at one moment, deciding those feelings were far too rash, and in turn attempt to justify them and make amends (is it starting to sound repetitive yet?) The point is that Greg was everything that people strive to be, only it came to him naturally. I didn't want to write something that I didn't like about someone that was important to me for many very odd reasons, and I mean odd in a good way.

First off, Greg and I were not the best of friends. In fact we had never even met face to face. Two summers ago Greg went on a biking trip, and an epic one at that, where he traveled across the country with his friends. About half way though Greg was hit by a mini-van when he was trying to fix his bike chain on a busy road. He was airlifted to a hospital where he remained in a coma for quite some time. This was where I first met Greg, his mother was a coworker and best friend of my mother's. She knew we had similar music tastes so Kay asked me to make Greg CDs that were to be played for him. I made four different mixes with pictures on them of places that I thought I would embark upon if I were to be dreaming for the amount of time that he was going to be. When he woke up, he was almost completely paralyzed. The height of Greg's dexterity before he died was being able to operate his computer on his own and could say few words and that was after almost a year and a half of rehab away from home.
When he entered his rehab program Greg sent me a message on Facebook thanking me for the CD's. I was so excited to hear from him, Greg was someone that my mom updated me on weekly and I was eager to start a relationship with him. Greg and I sent each other messages on a weekly basis. I ended up discovering someone that I realized would be one of the most unforgettable and extraordinary human beings I would ever meet. Greg was hilarious even in light of his situation, he was a listener and never tried to make you feel bad for him. Despite everything that Greg had been though he was completely immersed and interested in his friends' lives, he was the least selfish person I will ever know and he is the best person I will ever know.
Greg died on a Monday morning, I remember because I was sleeping on the couch with Krista after a sleepover between the two of us. My mom had sent me a text message about it. I was devastated. I didn't move from the couch for the entirety of the day. I didn't answer my phone, I didn't check my messages, I didn't eat. What was weird was that it wasn't like what happens to me when someone close to me dies. When my grandpa died I was devastated because just about everything reminded me of him, but in this situation I was more sad because the world had lost Greg. I had lost Greg. Everyone had lost him.
I attended his funeral a week later and noticed the difference that Greg had made on others' lives including mine. I can only imagine what Greg meant to his best friends, his brother, his parents.
Greg was one week away from going home when he died. I was one week from visiting him. It makes me sad that we missed each other, and it makes me sad that the rest of the world will miss him now too.

So back to my thoughts on the human condition. Perhaps I was too harsh, Greg was nothing like the people in my mind. Greg was someone that contradicted many ideas I previously had about people, and I wasn't upset to change those views when he came along which is what makes him so important. Which is what makes him so special to me and to everyone else.

A Thought???

2008-01-08T00:16:00.000-08:00

I like my writing, sometimes I look back and think it's tacky. But does tacky define the way I feel at certain times? Not really.

Putting a good spin on a traffic jam.

2007-12-02T20:50:00.000-08:00

Today someone was talking to me about how they don't understand why people act the way they do.
He doesn't understand why people do the things that they do, why they think the way they think.
What I should have said to him was, of course you don't understand, but did you really expect to?
What is supposed to make sense about love or friendship or relationships?
What is reasonable about those things? What is supposed to be reasonable about any of those things?
When have you ever used reason when it comes to your loved ones?
You don't understand because your so close to someone,
But at the same time you are so far away.
Your never the same person, you never think the same way all the time.
Your two different people.
People do things to hurt each other, they do things to hurt someone back
Ending up only hurting themselves.
Cut off your nose despite your face is what my mom always called it.
In other words, sabotage your happiness in order to make someone else feel
Inadequate
Wrong
Less than perfect
Low
Undesirable.
Sabotage your love to make yourself look
Better
Stronger
Smarter
Right
Perfect.
Puzzling isn't it? Back tracking isn't it? Destructive isn't it? Human isn't it?

Naturally to balance my emotional overload I watched Transformers.
Shia is my true love now.

How am I supposed to hold it?

2007-06-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

They say that with destruction comes beauty, comes progess, comes change.

But how can you dreate something as beautiful as the rainforest?
As beautiful as a lost ruin or stolen painting?
As strong as something extinct?
Can you create love after you have destroyed it?

No. With destuction comes beauty. Sure. But you can never throw away what you have had.
There is nothing above what you had and have now destroyed.
I thought about you today. I sent dreams to you of me.
Leave me with the wind. This isn't the right time or place to be thinking of you.

NEWS

2007-06-01T01:49:00.001-07:00

I have a crush on a boy and I've never been more excited in my life.

4:21

2007-05-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

There is an exact time when a spring morning in Minnesota starts. The time is 4:21. 4:21 is when birds start to chirp, the sounds of cars are heard, and the trees start to rustle in the wind.

I have woken up every morning at 4:21 for the last week.

4:21 is the most reflective time in the world. I can think of everything and anything. Any emotion that is possible can happen at 4:21. You can be angry with the birds calling to eachother, or you can view it as them calling to you. You can be cooled by the wind or frightened by the trees rustling, the wind howling. You can be reminded of other happenings, sad or happy, at previous 4:21's, perhaps you were sleeping or in a intertwined with a loved one. 4:21 can be the most dull moment in your lifetime, the point is; this is when the day decides to wake up. I advise you to try it. Lay in bed with 4:21. Lay in bed with the birds and the trees and the wind and the cars. Lay with your thoughts, deep or shallow as they may be.

4:21 is the time where any thought is acceptable. Even the things that are always the wrong things to be thinking about. 4:21 is the only right time to be thinking of things you believe you don't have an excuse or reason to recall. I always think of the wrong people and things at the wrong time, but the minute between 4:20 to 4:22, it's always alright. I've decided 4:21 is the only time I will let my guard down, the only time to give my gun away.

ugjgjghfgsreaeraz

2007-04-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

I have decided to accept the fact that there will always be people:
funnier
cuter
better
more cunning
skinner
prettier
more fashionable
wittier
with better taste
more likeable
smarter
purer
more outgoing
than me.
It's not that I like it, its that I accept it, it's that I've comes to terms with it.
I've decided to try not to dwell on it.
I am of course dwelling on it tonight
But I have come to terms
with being second best
or third best
or just the worst in general.
Is that why I cant work it out?
Is that why it never works out?
Is that why I can be so sad at times?
I feel like the worst person on the planet
But not because I didn;t do enough for my friends
but because I feel like I am
the most
worthless
stupidest
boringest
fattest
ugliest
human being on the planet.
And I'm ok with it.
Well, no, but I have come to terms with it.
I have accepted it.

Here I go...feeling sorry for myself again,
I just hate myself more for it.

Not about who you think.

2007-03-26T19:29:00.000-07:00

Probably thought he didn't need to say,
Probably though it wasn't about the words
The solution to our problem was simple,
If he felt it, he would say it.
He's not like that in some ways,
Yet, it's just so typical, so predictable
For a man, a boy i should say,
To lose what was most valuable to him
All because he couldn't say it.
Too stupid, too cockey, too brave,
Not even brave enough to say to who he knows best
About what he knows best.
He let me leave.
He let me go.
He lost me.
All because he couldn't say it.
It makes me wonder if my love
Wasn't good enough?
Didn't give enough?
Wasn't what he wanted.
I wasn't what he wanted.
I wasn't what he needed.
What he needed to say it.
What he needed to feel it.

Oh, wow.

2007-03-16T13:31:00.000-07:00

Why aren't people moving on from high school? I'm just wondering. I mean sure, I hated college for the beginning of it and sure I hung out with some of my high school friends because I didn't have many friends here yet and because I was scared. But now, I just don't get it. I love college, and yes it is true that i have abandoned a lot of my high school friends. I don't hang out with a lot of them anymore. It's not that I don't care, in fact it makes me sad some times, but that I just don't have time for it anymore. And when I do, the things that are available for us to do is either go to a college party where they won't know anyone but me and hate it. Or we go to a high school party where I know the majority of people and in the meantime I'm sad because I didn't go to the available college party where I would have had more fun. The thing just is that I've moved on. I'm past that whole high school thing. I'm past the awkward college phase too and right now I don't think I've ever had more fun in my life. I've never loved the people around me more, I've never felt more at home. In fact, when I came home over break it was weird, being in my house was weird. Sleeping in my bed isn't the norm for me anymore...and I love it.

So the other day I decided to buck up and go to my old high school's basketball game. I didn't wear orange (or black for that matter.) I sat with some friends of mine (that are in college that went to my high school) and I didn't cheer. Well I mean I did, but when I was in high school I dressed up, I was in the middle of the crowd and I was for sure one of the loudest. But I mean it's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't go there anymore. I'm not extremly emotional or OMG SO PISSED when a ref makes a bad call. Sure if we lose, I think "that sucks" or if we win I think "ok that's good to hear." But the whole thing where I'm actually upset about it has passed. And you would think that this would be true for most people that have gone off to college, but oh no. There were kids that were far into the student section, screaming and yelling and they had their faces painted. I mean when I got home I got a message on facebook that we had "OMG GONE ON TO THE FINALS!!!" Personally I thought to myself "you don't go there anymore, you don't matter there anymore." When you used to yell at people, it mattered because you had your pride, your allegiance to the school. I still have that pride but I don't run around yelling "South in the mouth" anymore because I DONT GO THERE ANYMORE. I go to Minnesota, granted I will not be yelling MN in your mouth anytime soon because they don't rhyme, but the point is, I go to Minnesota and I get excited about THOSE games, I freak out at THOSE games. I feel like everyone else should get over it.

Other than that, I'm having the time of my life. Granted I'm too busy to breathe, but isn't that how I always liked it?

Not Even Upset.

2007-02-15T09:55:00.000-08:00

I can safetly say that Valentines day was different this year, but I can also say that it was by far my favorite. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel obliged to do anything. I didn't have some boyfriend or "special friend" that I was expected to make plans with. In fact I didn't make any plans, i think it was the first time that I haven't tried to make Valentine's day a holiday and it worked out perfectly.

I don't know why I care. I'm cutting you off now.

Note:

2007-02-03T16:34:00.000-08:00

What I am going to name my children:
Ajax
Lochlan
Ariste

Im not sorry.

2007-01-31T20:23:00.000-08:00

I can't believe you invaded my privacy like that, and then lied about how you did it. I don't want to talk to you for some time so please don't call me. I don't care if it's online "for everyone to see" as you put it. Sorry I'm not another Rory or another Molly. I'm not turning into a Joe though so please don't act like I'm going to. But I'm not sorry for doing what I did, and I'm not sorry for what I said, nor for what I'm writing in this post.

Dying Breed

2007-01-20T12:46:00.000-08:00

Last night I found out that my genes are going to be THE QUICKEST to become extinct. Green eyes, red hair and pale skin are all predicted to be gone within the next two millenias. My genes are the rarest. Jealous?

Hawaii, Etc.

2007-01-02T13:04:00.000-08:00

So break started. I got decent grades in my classes...except for that C in math but oh well. My break started pretty uneventful. I was home for two days cleaning and packing for Hawaii. We left on Friday night.

Hawaii is such a different place from everywhere else. It never gets colder than 60 and it never gets hotter than 95, and that's year round. It really is paradise, I hate being hot but I had an awesome time in Hawaii. The first day we checked into the hotel and walked around a little bit. Our hotel room was nice except I had to sleep with Molly, which results in her wrapping her legs around me or pushing her face against my cheek and drooling all throughout the night. It also means no blankets and little room for me.

The beaches were of course amazing. We went to Wakiki mostly because it was right outside our hotel but we also went to the North shore and Hanauma Bay. There is reef EVERYWHERE so it really hurts your feet. Or your body when your surfing. I personally ran right into a rock with my knee and was bleeding bloody mary and had a black knee, but I pulled through. Molly and Maddie were all into the instructor (more of a joke.) His name was RB (short for Robert) but Molly kept forgetting so she just threw out random letters when she needed him. When she eventually got to "BJ" he made an awkward noise varying from "uhhhhh...." and looked the other way pretending he didn't hear her. She said that he asked her to come to another lesson, only to learn that he said that to everyone. We went to the North shore to see the 30 foot waves and snorkeled at Hanauma Bay.

One day we went out on a boat with the Hentschels and the Takakis to snorkel and see dolphins and whales. Of course, we didn't and my dad was totally pissed, especially after some dumbass told him about how they saw one at the beach earlier in the day. It was a good trip though, the waves were huge. At one point my mom was trying to sit into her seat and was trying to salamander across the front of the boat...very funny.

We went to Pearl Harbor and as much as I understand how important it is, I don't see why they let people take pictures. For one they could make a shitload more money if you could only buy pictures and postcards. And I dunno, it just kinda creeps me out that people feel a need to take pictures of a place where thousands of people died. Maybe I'm being a little ridiculous but when I went there I really felt like it was really just a place to reflect and you can't really do that if your taking a picture. I just think it would be more peaceful for everyone. It's busy ALL the time. We got there at like 6:45 and by 7 the line was curling around the block. It's the number one tourist location in Hawaii, which is ridiculous because Hawaii is like tourist city. It's run by the park board but there are people from the Navy everywhere so it's packed 24/7. I'm not sure what I felt like there, I honestly tried to imagine the entire place in flames and destruction. It's not that I couldn't, it's just I can't imagine what it felt like and so it was hard for me to really place my feelings there I guess. There was only one time when my grandpa told me about the war and that was when I was twelve and was reading The Greatest Generation for Jay Scoggins and had to do other research on the war. The only thing I remember asking him was why he went to war and his response was "there were people doing bad things to other people and they needed to be stopped." Going there really just made me miss him more. He wasn't there, but he was a part of D-Day, lying on the beach with bomb shards in his stomach.

Christmas didn't feel like Christmas whatsoever. I was the only one who wrapped my presents and I was the only one who got all my presents before I got there.

New Years was fun. We all got dressed up and went out. It was way better than last year, but then again if I had stayed at home all night it would have automatically been better than last year.

Turn me inside out and upside down, and try to see things my way.
Turn a new page, tear the old one out, and I try to see things your way.

I can tell that I'm falling for you because I dream that we sleep together at night.

The Eragon Mystery

2006-12-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

So I decided to be like many Americans and buy the "Young adult" novel "Eragon." I figured, well they are making a movie about it, and I'll probably see the movie so I guess I'll read the book. I was disappointed. No joke. So I question "Why are people SO into this book?"

First of all, it's like a shitty version of LOTR and Star Wars mixed together. The back story is indeed Star Wars. The fact that Eragon is like Luke where hes the destined one and he's an orphan and has magic powers to develop blah blah blah. Then there's Brom that is like Obi Wan Kenobi...oh and he so conviently dies earlier than he'd planned so Eragon doesn't have time to finish his training (sound familiar yet?) And then theres the bad side. It's called "The Empire" and there is a rebel force AKA The Varden. The Varden isn't strong enough to defeat the Empire but now that they have Eragon they have "new hope". What was the title of the first Star Wars?

As for LOTR, I'm not sure if I've seen more of a knock-off. The dumbass kid that wrote it even admits to being a Tolkien fanatic. Hasn't anyone noticed that main character is called "Eragon"? Sounds conviently like "Aragorn." "Arya" and "Arwen" is ANYONE else picking up on this? Also there is Galbatorix (most retarded name ever) that is the King whose power was because he took over because he was a pussy and lost his first dragon and was pissed about it. The elves are all leaving to the undying lands. And then there is the fact that there is competition between all the races (which are also conviently humans, wizards, dwarfs, elves and dragons.) Of course there is another language just to make this book even more fruity and more like LOTR. Only the difference between this kid and JRR Tolkien is that Tolkien was a linguist and this little shit just makes up the first noise that comes to his head.

Secondly the characters are awful. Saphira is a crabby ass and thinks shes all wise and powerful when really she's been through way less than everyone else. And it was her fault his uncle died because she blew a gasket and had a stupid hissy fit. Eragon is boring and learns how to read in a week, who else is unconvinced? He is a decieving mafing lazy ass and he still manages to smarten up. Brom changes from the first half of the book to the second. None of the characters are developed enough to like. Everyone thinks they're the most important person in the world and their dialogue isn't like anyone talks. Most of the time it's just people being crabby and pissed when they find out that someone is better than them. I feel like the only reason that people like this book is because they're too lazy to read LOTR and they figure that this is just as good.

Nothing happens in the whole book. The book is written saying what they did everyday, and most of the time it's the same thing that the people did yesterday. The story is completly unbelieveable and has so many holes in it. It's just plain ol bad writing. There is a reason that 15 year olds don't write book and this is a good example why it's not a good idea. Therefore I don't get it, I don't get why people like it so much. If everyone would have died in the end it might have been a little bit better, and then we wouldn't have to suffer through the sequel, or the third one (trilogy eh? hmm...what else was a trilogy?) Therefore I will not be jumping on the bandwagon of Eragon addicts, in fact I will be making fun of each and every one of them for actually liking such a shitty piece of literature.

It's over.

2006-12-01T11:30:00.000-08:00

Nope...haha I don't care. Because you know what? I've moved on already. Too bad.

Revision:

2006-11-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

I went to the Garden of Love,
And saw what I never had seen:
A Chapel was built in the midst,
Where I used to play on the green

And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
And "Though shalt not" writ over the door;
So I turned to the Garden of Love
That so many sweet flowers bore;

And I saw it was filled with graves,
And tomb-stones where flowers should be;
And Priests in black gowns were walking their rounds,
And binding with briars my joys and desires.

I haven't thought about it in a long time until I find an entry and I read it. It wasn't there for me to read...but I happened upon it anyway. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I just want to figure this out so that I can just stop wondering if there was something that could have been different. It was an accident that i read it but I don't think it was an accident that you wrote it. I started to write you a letter but all it says is Dear Kiddo...I put it under the red pillowcases, you know the ones that always reminded me of you? Then I thought about the past...and about how you didn't know me then, how can you know me now? You didnt know how I ticked, you didn't understand my reactions to anything. And now alls that I'm thinking is what if I did something wrong. I've got no cares but I've got every problem in the world. Just breathe while I confess murder to you, as I tell you my deepest dreams all over again. What you did is still hurting me and I'm still not hating you for it. All we've got is dead feelings. All I've got is a bottle of lies, a pillow full of dreams, and a head full of ideas.

Jibberish...thats what this all is.

What is going on in my head at this moment:

2006-11-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

Come up to meet you,
tell you I'm sorry,
you don't know how lovely you are...
I had to find you,
tell you I need you.
Tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets.
Ask me your questions.
Oh, let's go back to the stars.

The way she feels inside, so real she can't deny.
I miss the kitchen.
I miss the bed sheets.
I miss the grass.
I miss the laughing.
I miss the love.

I'm still not ready.

My hands are so short, stubby and ugly. In a lot of ways my handwriting doesn't reflect that at all, at least that's how I like to look at it. The point is, I didn't dream about him last night, which made me things worse because then I thought about him all day. Let me know what I've done wrong, but I've known what is was all along.

H: No man gives up his honor for love.
N: Millions of women have done just that.

My feelings exactly.

2006-11-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

Painting a picture of my own destruction. When I do it I'll add blood, pain, and merciless hate. Towards you, towards everyone, so fuck you too. MY eyes are apparently too blind to see, MY ears are apparently too deaf to hear. Well hear this. And see it too. My mind is wasting away. My heart is falling apart. My body is dying. My life is failing me. Just. Like. You. Just like always. Looking through faces? Looking for answers? Met someone new yet? Found a new face yet? Maybe. Maybe I have. Maybe I know. Maybe I heard. Maybe I answered, most likely you didn't. Maybe I just know better. Probably I don't. So I'll go read a book, or knit a scarf, or sing a song, or possibly start on that painting. Or maybe I'll just do my homework to get something done, or clean my room to make my mom happy, or rest. Rest my dying body. Don't blame me, I was only in the way.

I wrote this when I was 16.

2006-11-17T23:14:00.000-08:00

I have a new crush and his name is Daniel Craig and his eyes are bluer than the sea, even when he's completly covered in blood. In case you haven't see Casino Royale as soon as possible:

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated and we barely make it.

2006-11-06T19:44:00.000-08:00

So...this weekend I really learned about the saying "you don't know what you go till it's gone." I mean really, why is it that whenever I have something that could be potentially great sitting right in front of me, i can't act on it. It's like a disease, it's like a personality trait for me, I can't be happy with something if someone else isn't happy with it or if someone else tells me it would never work out. And really, do i ever end up happier listening to other people divuldge information about MY personal life to ME? I know I ask for it and really, there is no one to blame in this but me. Still, I can't help but think that I should think more about what I want and more about what would be good for me RIGHT NOW, not what people would say or think about me later. I hurt someone's feelings and now I'm the one sad. And I wasn't jealous, I was ACTUALLY sad. I know it wasn't all the different things that may have been going on that night, I know why I was sad and I know what I did wrong. Now I just really really don't know what to do. I don't want to tell them because, fuck, they've moved on and so that means I should too right? Before I didn't even think that it would be anything to move onto from, I thought it was going to pass through like it ain't no thing. Now they have a chance to be happy and if I'm their friend, I have to respect that. And I'm going to. I'm going to keep quiet and let the chips fall as they may.

Let's just say, my mother would not approve.

Halloween

2006-10-31T18:06:00.000-08:00

A pretty good Halloween. Although at one point I was in the basement and a long black light broke over my head and I went down, but luckilly I made it through the rest of the night getting people back to their homes safe in their beds with trash cans for them to throw up in next to their beds.

Pics for the far away friends:

I wish I could say I was doing something amazing tonight but alas, I have a math midterm tomorrow...and it's going to be really hard. I went to see Molly, Cam and Doro's Haunted House or rather enrty way at my house and went to Chipotle with Roxanne which was about the extent of the the fun that will be on my agenda tonight.

Problem.

2006-10-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'm really really bored. And I can't leave my dorm because I've lost my U-Card and I need it to get in and out of my building. Normally I would be able to pull it off because there are people in and out all the time, but it's a Sunday so everyone just stays in their dorms and does homework,

This last week, my weekend really began on wednesday. It was Lexi's suprise birthday party and zoe was in town. We ate dinner and went over to Hunter's house with Cam and Tony and eventually went over to Lexi's. We all ate a whole bunch of crap and everyone was super wired up. We went over to Keewaydin park to play soccer with about thirty other kids. I did not join in, I decided to sit on the side with Camille and catch up, AKA talk about boys. Lexi dropped me off at about 12:30ish. Cam and Tony called me asking what I was doing. I had a paper to write so I decided to do that instead of not getting any sleep.

On Thursday I went over to...wait where did I go...yeah I went to Cam's house with Andrea. I was glad that I got to see Andrea, I haven't seen her in a good while and I miss her. We went home at like 2:30 or 3ish.

Friday night I went over to Bri's with Erin and Hill. We watched Poltergeist 3, and we watched the whole thing because we were convinced that everything would be explained in the end...I can tell you now that nohing was explained and I have no idea what happened. I went back home and watched tv till about 1:30 and went up to bed about to fall asleep when cam called me, telling me about how someone threw up in Dylan's car.

Saturday I went to a swim meet all day. Hung out with Jenna for a little while. Then I met up with Hillary and we went to Bri's and took about two hours getting ready for a toga party...basically we couldn't figure out how to tie one without it falling off or us flashing everyone. By the time we figured it out it was 11 and I had already forgotten to call cam and tell him where the party was. He got over it but he was a little TO'd at me. We all went over the the Fort for the Toga party, it was a good good time. Then Cam kept calling me saying that I should go over there afterwards. So I got a ride there and hung out with him and Angelo for an hour before we went up to bed, jumping on Tony's bed and trying to wake him up. I slept on the couch and the boys were elsewhere.

That's when I lost my ID and I need it SO bad. I know I left it at Cam's house because I remember dropping it there. Now I can't leave because I won't be able to get back in and I can't eat because you have to have your ID card to eat. It's going to be a really big hassle to get a new one because then I have to get it reprogrammed to open the pool and thats going to take like a week and well frankly it's going to be hard gettting in and out of buildings. I'm going to do some homework with Hillary later so I'll probably just leave alltogether then and get something to eat elsewhere. I called Cam but he didn't answer which totally sucks because if he had found it I could have just gone over to his house and gotten it. But he didn't and now i don't have it.

2006-10-19T19:16:00.000-07:00

Bluefly Commercial

This commerical is absolutley ridiculous. I saw it on tv once but I think it was taken off because of it's RACYNESS!!!!!

Christmas rant:

2006-10-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

Were going to Hawaii for Christmas, and as excited I am about it, I am really sad about it too.

Were not getting a Christmas tree!!! That makes me so sad! All year I was looking forward to going home for christmas and sleeping on the couch by the christmas tree...and then I found out were going to be gone for Christmas and were not getting a freaking tree!!!!! I for one am a little bit pissed because I really just wanted to sit around at home all day with my fam and go out with my friends at night for the entirety of the break. But now I have to go to freaking Hawaii...and really because were going there, I don't REALLY have something to complain about but I am for one a little bummed. I wish we were leaving like the day after Christmas or something...but I guess I have three more years of it.

Everytime I complain about it to someone they get mad because I'm going to Hawaii and I really should have nothing to complain about. I just like a white christmas is all and I like my tree!

It's going to be a long long week.

2006-10-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

It's tuesday night and again I have nothing to do. i already studied for four hours so I mean I figure it's time for a break.

I really really want my own room. I'm thinking about moving in UV apartments because there's an opening there in a friend's apartment. I can't handle this sharing with three other people shit anymore. I mean I could handle it for a while but when it really comes down to it, I have too much shit, and I need my own space for all that shit and this itty bitty dorm room just isn't enough, seeing as it's all shared between three other people. I think it would be different if there were just two of us, because then I could have like my own side of the room or something but really, four people in one room? I mean my parents didn't even torture the four of their kids that much. I thought being in a room with Molly for 10 years was the most awful experiance of my life and she wasn't even sleeping around or leaving smelly leftovers around yet. (not to say that she is doing either of those things now!)

Speaking of Molly she was on a recruiting trip here this weekend. I was tired all weekend because I think I am slowly getting sicker and sicker by the day. Kinda like the weather here, it's getting colder and colder by the day. It's supposed to snow tomorrow which depresses me. There was a swimmer that said that he was going back to Texas if it snowed before November. I guess either he just hasn't noticed for the past three years that he's lived here or he's just breaking down now because he doens't remember that if you don't like the weather in Minnesota, you should wait ten minutes. I hear it's supposed to be back in the 70's by Friday. What can I tell you? Maybe he can be convinced to stay because who likes 90 degree weather year round anyway?

I was talking to Jim today because I've decided not to go on the Training trip to Hawaii cuz I would be in Hawaii for four weeks he responded that I had no idea what I was talking about because I ad never been ot Hawaii. I figure that I'm going to go every other year of college, why do I need to go for a whopping four weeks this year? Besides Grace is coming home along with al my other friends and I want to go see Ben in Cali for the HolyDays.

That's about it, I think I need to go over to the Library and check out some books. I've been reading William Styron's "Lie Down in Darkness" and as much as I like him describing the curvature of every lightbulb the characters may gander upon, I'm looking for something less...how should I put it? Incest?

Stop and think.

2006-10-09T08:55:00.000-07:00

I am trying so so so so so so hard not to care.
I am trying so so so so so so hard not to think about it.
I am trying so so so so so so hard to sleep.

Think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned. Imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind. Recall those days look back on all those times, think of the things we'll never do -there will never be a day, when I won't think of you . .

My weekend.

2006-10-01T15:54:00.000-07:00

I'm bored. I've been studying all day and it's only 6:00 pm. I have nothing to do. There is no more studying I can do. There are no more places I can go to.

This weekend was awful in a lot of ways but completly amazing at the same time.

The bad things: 2/3rds of my roommates were outta town, therefore it was me and one other. She asked if her "friend" could stay here for the weekend. I said sure. Then on Friday night when I got home at about 1:30 totally baked there's a guy standing in my room and Meghan is nowhere to be found. The conversation that followed just about blew me away:
Me: So your going to sleep here?
Him: Yep.
Me: On the futon?
Him: No, on the bed.
Me: Oh, in Pang's bed?
Him: No, in Meghan's bed.
Me: Where's Meghan sleeping?
Him: Her bed.
Me: But your sleeping in her bed.
Him: Yeah...with her.
Me: oh...OH!

I decided that this was possibly the most uncomfortable position I have ever been. I wasn't chopped enough to realize that I had to get out of there ASAP before as my dad said "they start making humping noises." So I called me rents, they were driving Eli home from Sadies so it was cool for them to pick me up. I went home, totally pissed and totally outraged.

The next day I went to work from 9-11, then I went back to my room. I spent an hour there with "the couple" and decided that her boyfriend was the biggest freak I had ever met in my life and I decided that I don't think I've ever hated someone more than I hated him. He was talking about Modern Art adn everything that he said was completly wrong and everytime he said something he just sounded dumber and dumber. When he was talking about Modern Art I kinda snapped on him. I asked him if he knew ANYTHING whatsoever about Modern Art and whether or not he even knew what it was. I proved him wrong on about 50 of us unbacked up dumbass "opinions" and then called my Dad to go for lunch with him and Kimmy before I punched the kid in the face. No joke.

So I went back home for a while then I went to the football game. Since that was a good time, that is under the "good parts of my weekend" section to come later in this post.

So later that night Hillary said I could crash at her place because I didn't want to go back to the Sex Room that night. So the next morning I came back to my room at about 10:30 and this time rather than keeping themselves quarenteened in Meghan's bed they unfolded MY futon and were spooning half naked on it. It was gross and it ALSO cuts the room in half so I couldn't get to my desk (where my backpack and money and life is) and my bed without either touching or waking them up. So I went elsewhere and did as much homeowkr as I could do without my backpack. Took about an hour. Cam called me about lunch (we go every Sunday), so I went back to my room (it is noon now), get my jacket and they have not moved. I went out for lunch and went shopping to Everyday People with Cam and Tony, like always. Got a sweet vest! I really like it, Cam found it, he finds all my clothes. Anyway, so they are no longer spooning.

Anyway, my mom thinks that I should tell my CA. She thinks that it was nuts that she thinks that she can get away with that as she said "Did they at least put a sheet down on OUR futon before they started doing it on OUR futon!?" So she's pretty mad about the whole situation. I can't decide what I should do because I mean I could potentially get her kicked out of the drom, but I mean that jsut makes me a bitch. But then again she's a bitch too, she jsut doesn't know it because she is a sheltered piece, but I mean I would know that I was being a bitch...so what do I do? I mean I could just talk to her about it but most of the time she doesn't talk and I know I would just end up getting really frusterated because then again I would look like the bad person. But I mean I'm willing to make one of those things happen so that I don't ever have to see him again.

The Good things:
Friday: hung out with Brianni and Annalee and some friends of theirs. It was really fun and I was just so happy to see Brianni, it had really been too long!
Saturday:I went to the football game with Alex, Hillary (Divers), and Brittney (swimmer) and we met up with a bunch of the male Gymnists. Then we went over to this kids house, then we left for "The Fort" which is a bunch of swimmer boys' house. It was realy fun, I had a good time and I really got to know more people which was really cool. This kid that I literally haven't seen in three years from swimming at Twin ran up to me and was like "I know you! Your Elinor Belk!" and I totally didn't recognize hi at first but when I did it was really funny and I realized that regardless of how hot he still is (he actualyl got hotter) that he was wearing blue camo pants and that really made me laugh. Someone freaked out on me because he couldn't decide what he wanted to call me from three choices that I gave him: El, Ellie, or Elinor. He got mad when he figured out that I liked being called Ellie the least, thankfully he decided on El because Elinor is too long apparently. Hillary and I got wall humped by Nico, and sang London Bridges wherever we walked. It was overall an amazing night.

The truth. I was lying to you all before.

2006-09-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

Currently. At this very moment. I am extremly unhappy.

I don't like the U. I actually don't think that I can see myself going here next year. I was wrong about thinking that I could handle it's size. I can't. I hate how big it is, there are too many people and too many of the people are people that I don't care to know. I still haven't found my nitch and I don't see myself finding it anytime soon.

I don't like my classes. I think they're stupid and none of them interest me except my Biology class. I don't like the people in my classes because they are all the same and they probably think the same thing about me.

I don't have a crush on anyone and that's the suckiest thing ever. I don't even know enough boys here to have crushes on any of them. It's awful, I don't know what to think about in my spare time anymore.

My family life is shitty. I miss Joe. I miss Rory. I wish they would call me more. I wish I could see them more.

I hate my room. Nothing in it is like me.

I miss my friends. I miss being around people I love and know. I don't know enough people here to be happy with what I have now.

I feel like I'm the same to everyone. I'm the same person as every other person in the school.

I haven't grown at all. I'm the same person I was in highschool. I'm still unmotivated. I haven't changed and that's a really big disappointment for me. I want to be different. I want to change and grow like everyone else has.

I made a bad decision and that was going to the U. I went here to get more choice in my courses but I don't even get to be in any of the classes I wanna be in. Basically the reason I went here doesn't apply to me anymore.

I don't want to drop out because that's such a waste I can't even begin to think about it. But it's even harder for me to think about starting all over again. It's hard for me to think about going through this all over again.

I'm sorry I lied before.

I'll give ya just what you need.

2006-09-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

Today I started to swim (in correspondance with my School Goal). It was really boring. I means wimming by yourself is VERY boring. Katie said she'll go with me tomorrow which is cool.

We were watching the Twin's game! And Torii Hunter hit his 30th homerun and we were talking about all the stuff that the people who caught it are going to get it because Hunter will want it back. We decided that if we were to catch one our terms would be Mauer (for me) and Morneau's (for her) bodies for the ball. I think that's a pretty fair trade...possibly? I think so. Now we just have to catch a ball.

I know that you like honey in your sitr fry. I know that you hold your cups with two hands. I know that you like Nokomis the best. But I don't know much about you I've realized.

I just don't know what to do with myself. My heart is falling apart.

My School year goal

2006-09-20T16:34:00.000-07:00

My schedule that I am making myself stick to:

Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays: Swim practice (where I am swimming) from 6-7:30 with Twin.
Class from 9:05-10:00
Sutdy Study Study till 2:00
Practice (where I'm coaching) from 2-4.
Class 4:40-5:30
Study Study Study and then sleep.

Tuesdays/Thursdays: Class all freaking day till 2
Practice (where I coach) from 2-4.
Class from 4:40-5:30.
Eat at Sanford
Work out for at least an hour (either in the pool or out of the pool.)
Study Study Study and then sleep.

I am making myself work out everyday otherwise I will get fat and disgusting.

I could do streamline kicking on my back forever.

Do I have a life? No. No I don't.

2006-09-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

I can't do it anymore. PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM TO ME.

And I can't decide who I want Meredith to choose! I mean both of her choices are hot but I can't help but kind of want her to pick Fin because I mean McDreamy is a pussy. He's a mopey little shit and he acts like his life is so fucking hard even though he makes 2 million a year and guess what? Fin has real problems because his wife and parents died and guess what? He's NICER and more NORMAL and doesn't have stupid problems like just being a jealous jerk. But I also think that if she picked McDreamy I wouldn't be devestated or anything, it would just not be as good I think. I think she needs to get over him finally. I think he needs to move on like she was doing.

And Izzy! Izzy is crazy!

And Christina! Why can't she just stop being weird and just act loving towards Burke or something?!

What's even more ridiculous is that I'm talking about a TV show like I know these peolpe or something.

Knowing that I never will.

2006-09-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

Spent last night at my house. It was nice hanging out there again. I miss being at home and sadly, I do actually miss being in highschool sometimes. I miss knowing everyone and having all my friends around. I miss having people that I love all around me. Last night I went over to Peter's and everyone hugged me and it was just a nice alternative to college cuz I mean it's not like I know a huge amount of people there. I'm shy sometimes and the last couple of weeks have definitly been some quiet ones for me.

So after going to Peter's I went to Cam's with Andy and Tony and the four of us just hung out on his porch, like always. It was a really good time the best time I've had in a couple of weeks. It's probably the last time I will go there because I'm not really going to come home anymore and since it's almost winter and were not going to be able to hang out there anymore.

Slept at home after I got home at like 3:30ish. Then I went to the Modern with my mom to see everyone. It was super busy there and Mark totally couldn't handle it so I guess that sucks for everyone who has to work with him.

I'm kinda not so excited about going back to the dorm. I just like being around my famiyl especially since I don't think that my family has been getting along too well while I've been gone for the past two weeks. The difference between my dorm and my house is that I used to miss my bed. I could never wait to get into it. Now I don't really miss my new bed yet. That might be because it's extremly uncomfortable but oh well I hope I can eventually learn to appreciate it.

So that's it for today's thoughts.

Learn to forgive. Teach me to live. Why can't the past just die?

I really do hate him now.

2006-09-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

There's absolutley nothing like Kasono's uplifting talks that always make you feel better. You can't help but smile no matter how awful a mood your in. I love him.

I now know that me trying was silly and that from now on I just shouldn't even utter the word. The name. I shouldn't think the thought. Act like I was acting before more shit ran into my fan. Not acting. Being. I wasn't faking my disgust, I was and still am disgusted. I'm not making myself this way, I am this way and today just made me even more right.

My Sunshine Buddy works again. It just sways it's head in my window and I know that it's laughing at me. Or laughing with me? It knows that I figured out that I don't need someone close to me making me feel like shit when I have people I don't know to do that.

I'm so fucking glad it's over and that I don't have to even worry about being that person's friend anymore because their last chance was today. Obviously I had to be the man and went the halfway point but they didn't meet me there. Not that that's a suprise but now I know. Now I can keep on ignoring your exisistance, no I can now go back to knowing that you really mean nothing to me again, now I remember why that was true.

Kasono said it toned me down a bit. I don't like that. I liked being wild and actually being myself. I lost my way but now I'm on track again. I don't like being anything less than who I am, and who Kasono loves me for.

2006-09-06T16:21:00.000-07:00

Today I had my second day of class and my first day of swim practice. It was a good day. I had a lot of time because my spanish class got canceled so I got a lot of time to do other stuff. I saw a bunch of the freshman swimmer boys and for some reason they all say hi to me. Of course when they do I almost have a heart attack, bascially I die whenever a swimmer is within my vision. They have to be the most intimidating people ALIVE. Honestly, I'm not sure how it is legal or safe for that many BEAUTIFUL, perfectly CHISELED men can coexist in one place, let alone one pool deck.

So here are picutres of dorm. We just moved everything around so it's much more liveable. I wish I could do my homeowkr but at the moment I don't have word processing and that's a big problem.

My new dorm!

2006-09-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

So I moved into my dorm yesterday. It's huge, but thena gain it does contain four people. The sucky thing about it is that there are only two desks so my roommate Katie and I don't get desks. It also sucks that our roommates don't talk to the two of us or eachother but whatever we have been doing a good job of having fun with just the two of us and other people amongst the campus. Tomorrow were getting desks, a futon and some sort of table for our teenie tiny tv which might as well be my laptop. But moving all the furniture around tomorrow will be exciting because the set up now is kinda sucky.

Last night was so hectic. Maddy called me and told me I should go to Nolan's. So Katie and I hitched a ride with Raj after having dinner with him. When we got there Maddy wasn't there so I didn't really wanna go in yet. Maddy said she would be there eventaully but I just decied to leave and go to some frat party with my friend Amin. So we traveled back to campus to walk (in the rain!) to the Lodge. We were there for a while then we left for another frat party which we left kinda quick as it wasn't all the great. We went back to my new aquantiances (spelling?) Mitch and Bob's dorm at T-Hall and hung out there until we decided to walk back to our dorm room and Amin and Preston waslked back to Middlebrook (which must have been way worse because it was still raining.) We came back and went to bed.

So that was my first night in college. It wasn't amazing or anything but I guess I had a good time. I should go see Maddy or something today

Sorry Andy, nothing deep today.

Tiredededed.

2006-09-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

So I've been too busy to breathe lately. I've been coaching the South team the last mornings and it makes me really really tired. But I can't sleep after I get home because I have to clean and pack and stay awake in case all my packages come.

I miss swimming. And I don't just mean the whole team aspect and being really close with everyone. But I mean actual swimming. Everytime I go to coach I just want to get in and literally just do underwater kicking. I could underwater kick on my back in a streamline for the rest of my life. I really need to start swimming again on my own time but I don't even have time to finish packing by tomorrow! There are so many things I have left to do.

Another thing. I was just watching Spiderman (I know, pathetic, but all my other movies are packed up) and I've decided that not only is Kirsten Duntz the worst actress ever but that she's the most obnoxious actress ever. What the hell did Jake Gyllenhaal ever see in her? Again with the boy being stupid thing.

I just want to stop watching this terrible movie. I just want to go to sleep. I just want my stupid packages to come so I can do just those things.

2006-08-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

I hate how nothing works out. I hate every decision I've ever made. I hate every thought that I've ever had because they've never gotten me what I wanted and needed. I can never be ok with anything, I have to sit with it and stew with it and let it fucking fester me until I wish it had never happened rather than having to think about it in a sinful matter. In a matter as something that I did wrong or something that I just shouldn't have even gotten myself into. That way I think makes me think that there isn't any hope, that I should give up, that there are reasons why I am the way I am. But truly, I am the way I am because I don't know how else to be without thinking that I can't pull it off, without thinking I'm a total flake out. I wish I was moving away to some huge city where no one knew my name or my face or me. I wouldn't have to betray anyone but myself then. It's the only thing that I can think of where I'll be at rest. I have to rid everyone of me. I have to get rid of all traces of me.

I hate boys.

2006-08-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

So it's officially over. Am I over it? Yes. Am I over him? No. He was my ultimate high school crush (except XAM of course.) He was the guy that was unreachable to me. Now that I've had him, I'm not sure I'd ever ask for him again. Maybe because he actually CALLED me for us to break up rather than actually coming to see me. I didn't have anything to say to him. I don't have anything to say to him now. It's over and I'm cool with that, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck or that I'm not sad about it, or that it's not going to be hard. It's going to be really hard.

But Joe's here and he really knocked some sense into me. It's kinda odd that it came from him, seeing as he's an idiot. He just kinda said that I shouldn't put up with some shit that I do put up with. We've just been hanging out lately and I really like that. We're a lot alike so we get alone I guess.

Last night there was a bat in my house and my mom literally started crying and Joe was freaking out too. They made me look through the house for it. I found it in Molly's room sitting on top of the door frame to her porch. Joe stood at the door while I had to go and prop the other door to the outside open. He kept trying to shut the other door and I was yelling at him and he was like "I don't want to let it out" so in other words he doesn't want it coming near him. So I finally talked him into throwing a sheet at it and shutting the door really fast until it flew out and I had to shut the door. Basically I saved the day and all would have been lost if I had not been there.

I have to clean my room before my mother cuts off my head and so that I can go kick it with people tonight.

Life.

2006-08-07T15:45:00.001-07:00

This is what I want to say and I don't want to say it no more!

When you lie to me, I don't know what to do. I've never lied to you. All I ever wanted was to pick up all the pieces and put them back together your way.

But that was the thing, it was always about you and your way. Even when it wasn't, it was. It was always about what you wanted to do, I did anything and everything that you asked of me. Did I really turn into what everyone was saying I was turning in to?: A relationship carpet. I let him leave me in the rain, downtown, at my back door. I let everything go, giving myself excuses and now that it's really the time for me to let him go, I can't even stand the thought of him telling me he doesn't like me anymore. I can't stand the thought of it ending, even if it already has more than it should have. Sometimes I feel like we just didn't get our time. We didn't get enough time to grow, and that's why I hate that it's ending. I hate that it's ending because there were so many things that we hadn't done, but to him it seemed like we were already sick of each other.

People say that everything is forgiveable to your loved one, but I can't forgive him. I forgave him the first time and he promised me it wouldn't happen again. But it did, and it was even worse the second time, it ended up being the one moment where I felt the shittiest I had ever felt in my life. No matter how much he apologized I couldn't believe him. No matter how many times he told me he loved me, I couldn't believe him. Was I being selfish because I wasn't willing to forgive him because he hurt me as bad as he did? I don't think so, because it's how I feel and I can't change that. The difference between the two of us is that I was willing to work it out, and he had already given up. There were about a million times that I could have done what he did, but I didn't. I just feel like when I was trying, he wasn't.

Sorry, but it's not that easy, you have to be more than hoping that it's going to work out. You can't keep ignoring me, eventually I'm going to have to stop ignoring you.

So I did become the carpet, that sucks. So you've given up, that sucks. So I still love you, that sucks.

Summer is boring.

2006-07-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

So I dunno. I decided that now that I'm "in college" I should get rid of the Livejournal and officially shed myself of high school and all the pain it has left me with. Not really though, that was an exaggeration in attempt to make fun of my previous "goth" self.

Today was probably the first day that I didn't wake up at noon, all summer. It was nice I guess, I just sat around more, watched more daytime tv, realized when I'm leaving in an hour that there really isn't enough time to start anything. Summer. Ah. It's ridiculous how much I don't accomplish. I should have more to do.

Yesterday I culturized myself by going to the MIA yesterday because I hadn't been there since they added on that whole wing. It was nice, I had a good time. Sometimes I skip over a lot of stuff but I mean it's not like they switch the stuff around there or anything, I mean I'm pretty sure that they have not changed around the period rooms since my dad set them up in the 70's.

Today I'm going swimming, I'm excited. I'm excited that I'm actually going to swim without someone yelling at me to go faster or be stronger. I just don't think I'm cut out for team sports, especially swimming. I really love the team and my coach but I really hate the practice. It's always way too hard for me to get in shape and then as soon as I do I get bored, sometimes that even happens before I'm in shape. Basically I have to do it on my own time, and I'm ok with that.

I am currenty watching Family Fued and these people are idiots. Honestly. Whenever I watch it, I just can't imagine meeting or talking to these people. My favorite thing to do though is to imagine my family in the same situation. Ah, I can see it now, Russ thinking of the MOST farfetched answer known to mankind, such as if the category was "famous quotes," my Dad would answer "We suffer from sameness" and then suprise everyone with his wittyness by informing them that he was quoting himself and that he will be manufacturing bumper stickers real soon. Joe would say something like "One time...me and Tony were like...hahaha...oh man..." Molly would say "One time I stuck a rock in my nose!" And Rory...well Rory would say something right because she's normal I guess...either that or she would quote Monty Python. I would just be appauled the whole time and my mom would be stressed out. Joe and my Dad would fight about every answer that the other would say even though we specifically positioned them far away from each other on the table.

I want college to start. Actually I really just want to move out. I can't handle being this bored anymore, I'd rather just be too busy to breathe, I enjoy being stressed out I think. I actually don't really want to move into a dorm to be honest. I want to be a sophomore and moving into an apartment. I suppose it's awful that I want that because I want college to be a year in and it's already going to go fast enough. I don't even know where I'm lving yet.

I need to brush my teeth.