I feel like these last couple weeks I have just been running on a treadmill to nowhere. I feel like everything that I do is the biggest waste of my time. I feel like I work all the time but never make any money. I feel like I study all the time but I never get better grades. I feel like I try to go the extra length and no one ever notices. I don't think I've ever felt more like a robot in my life than I do now. I can't even think because there isn't any outlet for me. I feel like I'm in the middle of forty crossroads and all of them look scary and dark, I have no idea which way to go next. I'm so stressed out I can't even breathe and I feel like everything is a new reason for me to have a panic attack. I've never felt like that. Before now when I fell I could always get back up, whenever I was drowning somehow I always made it back to the surface. I'm tripping hard now and I'm so close to drowning and nothing is helping me get out and I won't let myself forget that.

I got yelled at at work today because my manager says that I don't clean enough when I'm not busy. The whole time they were talking to me, I was thinking to myself, "this is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard." And no offense, but it is. Generally when people tell me to do more, I do it, I'm all for criticism. But this was fucking ridiculous. I get my ass kicked for no reason.

I don't want to work anymore. I just want to graduate college and do my own thing, marry Christian Slater and die. Is that so hard? I understand the low plausability of that happening but I've just realized that life is the biggest waste of time and so I'm going to do things to shorten it.