Ashton.

A year and a week ago I received a phone call from my old childhood friend Ashton. He was calling me to tell me our other friend Jay had passed away.

Today I got a phone call from my friend Grete. It was to tell me that Ashton had died.

I am searching within myself for some strength in this moment. I am devastated. Two of my best friends from childhood have died within a year and a week of each other. The relationships that I had with both of them will remain as some of the best and oldest friendships I've ever had and hope to have. I can not even begin to express the impression that these two made upon my childhood and entire life. I cannot begin to image my loss. I cannot begin to imagine life without them.

Blogggy?

Schlomo has become my favorite thing to listen to while I'm typing the library.
Walter Library has become my favorite place to study while I'm cramming in school.
Pizza Pringles has become my favorite snack of choice while I'm running inbetween class.

Enough of that. Spanish has become the worst ache in my back. The standards for a Liberal Arts major is four semesters of a language...which I think is mad considering my sister is becoming a 6th grade teacher and she does not have to have any. Neither does my nursing student major...but I...whom is probably going to end up writing b.s. for the rest of my life has to know the complete grammar framework of a foreign language at the age of 21. Am I the only one that thinks this should have been a standard for me when I was 8? Not when it might as well be impossible for me to learn and really only around to bring everyone's gpa down?

The next thing I've decided to consider is Law school. I dunno. I mean I know I have the knack and passion to argue but I consider the justice system extremely flawed. Generally people would find that to be a reason to enter it, i.e they wanna change it, but being honest here...I think Democracy is dead and the free world is going along with it. Can someone PLEASE for the love of god get rid of the fucks that only think of themselves, that DO NOT want to work for the equality of all, that ONLY know how to consider themselves, that cannot live simple enough so that others can simply LIVE. Personally, my plan is to find some get rich scheme, buy an island, an instate my own free rule. None of this unequal, corrupted, evil, and greedy fucktard of a system.

Whenever I complain about the corruption in law people think it's time to bring up being a public defender. I suppose it would be the most logical thing for me to do. It might be one of the only things I'm comfortable with doing.

Maybe I should have been a theater major. Kim would appreciate that I think. Who am I kidding, I just want to end up as the next Tina Fey. Probably though, I'm not funny enough, i.e. too cynical. I have the bitterness of an eighty year old man...how does this happen? Just a few to blame...Jules, Pop Pop, Marg & Nora, Ann...also have you met my mother?

So I guess I'm back to blogging. Buuuhhhh we'll see how this goes. We'll see how this month goes. A week sounds a little less committed when everyday is like today.

Kill me.

I am feeling really claustraphobic with my life right now. I really can't get away from it. And it's not that I want to...it's that I need to, because it is killing me. I am so stressed out that my head might explode. I just don't really know what to do. Every step that I take has some stupid fucking trap door attached that drops me literally, LITERALLY forty steps down. Yesterday my wallet got stolen. Im fucked. I can't get a new liscense without another form of photo id...oh my ucard was in my wallet. Now I have to find my social security card and birth certificate bring it in with me, get my lisense. Then I have to wait for a month, if not longer, to get the liscense. Before that, I can't get a ucard without my liscense, and I can't get a upass without my ucard. I also can't buy my books without my ucard...so in other words for the next month, I have no identification of ANY kind, I have no books, no transportation and NO MORE PATIENCE. I FUCKED for my classes, FUCKED for money, FUCKED for my social life all because some fuckass decided to steal my wallet. I cannot even EXPRESS my frustration, anger and utter discontent with my life. I'm already overloaded as it is being an overtime student with a full time job and next year I have a senior paper AND a job to find. I'm fucked. My head is fucked.

Everything just seems to get worse and worse. My cat never stop fucking meowing at the door. My sister still has yet to contact me. My foot got jammed in the bus door. My dad is destroying my family's life and everyone is dumb about it. I don't sleep. My cats new favorite place to jump on is my face. Im so depressed classes seem really hard to make it to, I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what makes me happy anymore because it's been such a long time.

Jay

I think what is the weirdest part about Jay dying is the fact that I have memories with him that I don't have with anyone else. Really awkward memories that are now some of the funniest and favorite moments of my extremely awkward life. Whenever we'd see each other these moments were often reminisced upon. I think even if we didn't joke about them they were implied simply by having a brain relapse of the memories from seeing each other. It wasn't cute or romantic or anything like that; just hilarious. Jay was hilarious. He was one of the most sentimentally nice guys I have ever met; he never changed from the day I met him to the day he died.

I think my most vivid memory from our tiffs in grade school was Valentine's day in maybe 7th grade? He brought me my FIRST bouquet of flowers ever, not roses (much appreciated). We went skiing with our school that day and I was about as excited about it as excited as I would be about sticking my head into a bucket of eels. Coordination is limited in swimming; no sense of balance is necessary. I was terribly nervous, not looking forward to embarrassing myself in front of my first boyfriend let alone my entire middle school. Jay was really good, I tried and failed MISERABLY, eating shit in the snow. He helped me get up and I headed back to the warming house for the rest of the day. He visited me a few times during the day and we sat on the bus next to each other on the way home.

I find Jay and I's relationship old, but still not left out of my memory or left out of the events that all come together to make me, me. I wish I would have seen him more before his death, the time we spent together in high school and especially in college was nothing extensive in the slightest. Every once in a while I would see him for about an hour, it was nice to see him more and more. I wish Jay would not have died not just because it's such a waste, or that it's heartbreakingly sad, or because I will always miss him; it's because he's Jay and he's the last person in the world who should have died. He was one of my oldest friends, my first boyfriend, and the last person I will ever forget not just because he died, but because he was my friend and he left an impression on all his friends.

The funeral is tomorrow, it's my mom's birthday so I want to ask Aaron to take me but I feel like this last week has been such an emotional roller coaster for our relationship and our own lives that it seems like it would be a lot for him to see me cry more about it. It's going to be an emotional day tomorrow and I want to be steady but that seems like a lot to ask, which is why it seems appropriate I should take him with.

I cleaned out my car today. It was sad saying goodbye to it. I left a bunch of crap in it for them to clean out. Serves them right not telling me straight out. Telling me twenty minutes before it was going to go. Lying to my face.

I've decided to leave for all holidays from here on out. Good luck fighting over me then. Later I plan on leaving to somewhere forever. With little phone service and a mail service that only comes once a week. I'll also put an axe through my computer. Plan You pushed me away so now I'm bowing out forever is officially in effect.

I am going to detain doing the last two pages of my paper to update my blog. Blogging has been really popping up in my life lately, which is kind of odd because I always put this thing on the back burner. I have ideas, I have things that I wanna say, but I dunno they always end up in my actual journal instead of on the screen. What can I say, I'm old fashioned and I like doodling.

I'm going to be honest and say that I wish it was Halloween. I wanna see Sarah. I wanna be dressed and made up. I wanna be all over the place. But instead I'm in my room, writing a paper on how Germans became Nazis, which is rough to focus on when all you want to be doing is Halloweening it up. There is also some crazy girl throwing bottles behind my house. Thoughts?

This weekend I have too much crapola going on. On Saturday night there's the Disney/jeans cutoff party, but there's also the Griak and a party at the Fort. I have to go to the latter two because of recruiting requirements andddd their both on campus so stumbling between the two will require minimal effort regarding transportation on my part.

I have nothing to talk about. Except that I envy my roommate's excitement about Mpls. I wish I was still somewhat enthused by the city.

I don't know how much longer I can last in this city. I think I need to leave soon and in a big way. I think I need to leave and never come back. I think I need to leave everyone and everything behind. I think it's time for me to live. I think it's time for me to love.