Jay

I think what is the weirdest part about Jay dying is the fact that I have memories with him that I don't have with anyone else. Really awkward memories that are now some of the funniest and favorite moments of my extremely awkward life. Whenever we'd see each other these moments were often reminisced upon. I think even if we didn't joke about them they were implied simply by having a brain relapse of the memories from seeing each other. It wasn't cute or romantic or anything like that; just hilarious. Jay was hilarious. He was one of the most sentimentally nice guys I have ever met; he never changed from the day I met him to the day he died.

I think my most vivid memory from our tiffs in grade school was Valentine's day in maybe 7th grade? He brought me my FIRST bouquet of flowers ever, not roses (much appreciated). We went skiing with our school that day and I was about as excited about it as excited as I would be about sticking my head into a bucket of eels. Coordination is limited in swimming; no sense of balance is necessary. I was terribly nervous, not looking forward to embarrassing myself in front of my first boyfriend let alone my entire middle school. Jay was really good, I tried and failed MISERABLY, eating shit in the snow. He helped me get up and I headed back to the warming house for the rest of the day. He visited me a few times during the day and we sat on the bus next to each other on the way home.

I find Jay and I's relationship old, but still not left out of my memory or left out of the events that all come together to make me, me. I wish I would have seen him more before his death, the time we spent together in high school and especially in college was nothing extensive in the slightest. Every once in a while I would see him for about an hour, it was nice to see him more and more. I wish Jay would not have died not just because it's such a waste, or that it's heartbreakingly sad, or because I will always miss him; it's because he's Jay and he's the last person in the world who should have died. He was one of my oldest friends, my first boyfriend, and the last person I will ever forget not just because he died, but because he was my friend and he left an impression on all his friends.

The funeral is tomorrow, it's my mom's birthday so I want to ask Aaron to take me but I feel like this last week has been such an emotional roller coaster for our relationship and our own lives that it seems like it would be a lot for him to see me cry more about it. It's going to be an emotional day tomorrow and I want to be steady but that seems like a lot to ask, which is why it seems appropriate I should take him with.