Stupid.
I am currently sitting...at my apartment. Bored out of my mind. I need two things, and neither of those things are available to me so I have decided that I will attempt to veer my thoughts elsewhere by updating my blog. The blog that i do at times obviously neglect.
I went to see "The Secret Fall of Constance Wilde" this fine evening after going to dinner with Cole. I love the perks of the food industry; the perpetual nature of working in the food industry, the crabby over-stressed people that have fallen into that very perpetual nature, and FREE Guthrie tickets! What else could you ask for?
The other night my friend Jony called me to tell me he was up and moving to New York to go to Culinary school, dropping out of college that is. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly jealous. When high school was on the winding road down I expected myself to not only get out of Minnesota, but to make myself something that I knew I would love. I do not think that I liked myself in the littlest bit when I was in high school, but I suppose that is how most people feel after they move on from that stage in their lives. I think in some ways I expected myself to go to New York, or Chicago, or San francisco, somewhere stupidly trendy and excruciatingly immersed in culture so that I could lose myself in it and hopefully come out without a drug addiction. I think this became less appealing after my brother did exactly what I just described, only he was not so successful.
After hanging up from talking to Jony I began the sort of circle thinking that causes my chest to heave and my brain to overwhelm itself. What if I get stuck here forever? What if I become a lifer at a restaurant and never make anything of myself? What if I just remain the fruit fly i have become? Will I be lonely forever, doomed to wonder in spinsterhood? I love Minnesota, but I think in some ways the University of Minnesota is the embodiment of so many stereotypes that I've never believed in and hoped to escape. Instead I just embarked on a whole new chapter in my life, one with even more self-promotion and judgement and even less truth and justice.
The thing is that I know that I love it here. I love my friends more than I ever have before, as said, "You don't go to college to meet your husband, you go to meet your bridesmaids." Although I sit by as my friends, not just people I know, concoct different racist slurs, ways they can get skinnier or blonder, and more things they can spend their parent's money on. I've never been more self conscious and I've never been around more people that I love in all my life. It's a constant conflict, but then again things are never black and white, they are always intertwined. People look for the simplicity in things, in fact they expect them. One would think that something as simple of an emotion as happiness would be easy to achieve, yet people fail to realize that frustration is the most common of human emotions and trying to work your way around it is folly. Trying to do one thing without it's complete contradiction is almost impossible. There is always the other side to think of, and how those two sides are going to mix together, whether harmoniously or not.
So there we have it, someone else it living my life, but I think I can live with that. I understand now that finishing something that I have started should be important to me and that leaving loose ends untied only make my situations more complicated and hurtful. I've learned that to speak your mind can mean weaving a web of lies, but to speak your heart causes the truth to come out every time. There are no absolute certainties in life except that things will be difficult, wonderful and stupid; for lack of a better word.
I went to see "The Secret Fall of Constance Wilde" this fine evening after going to dinner with Cole. I love the perks of the food industry; the perpetual nature of working in the food industry, the crabby over-stressed people that have fallen into that very perpetual nature, and FREE Guthrie tickets! What else could you ask for?
The other night my friend Jony called me to tell me he was up and moving to New York to go to Culinary school, dropping out of college that is. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly jealous. When high school was on the winding road down I expected myself to not only get out of Minnesota, but to make myself something that I knew I would love. I do not think that I liked myself in the littlest bit when I was in high school, but I suppose that is how most people feel after they move on from that stage in their lives. I think in some ways I expected myself to go to New York, or Chicago, or San francisco, somewhere stupidly trendy and excruciatingly immersed in culture so that I could lose myself in it and hopefully come out without a drug addiction. I think this became less appealing after my brother did exactly what I just described, only he was not so successful.
After hanging up from talking to Jony I began the sort of circle thinking that causes my chest to heave and my brain to overwhelm itself. What if I get stuck here forever? What if I become a lifer at a restaurant and never make anything of myself? What if I just remain the fruit fly i have become? Will I be lonely forever, doomed to wonder in spinsterhood? I love Minnesota, but I think in some ways the University of Minnesota is the embodiment of so many stereotypes that I've never believed in and hoped to escape. Instead I just embarked on a whole new chapter in my life, one with even more self-promotion and judgement and even less truth and justice.
The thing is that I know that I love it here. I love my friends more than I ever have before, as said, "You don't go to college to meet your husband, you go to meet your bridesmaids." Although I sit by as my friends, not just people I know, concoct different racist slurs, ways they can get skinnier or blonder, and more things they can spend their parent's money on. I've never been more self conscious and I've never been around more people that I love in all my life. It's a constant conflict, but then again things are never black and white, they are always intertwined. People look for the simplicity in things, in fact they expect them. One would think that something as simple of an emotion as happiness would be easy to achieve, yet people fail to realize that frustration is the most common of human emotions and trying to work your way around it is folly. Trying to do one thing without it's complete contradiction is almost impossible. There is always the other side to think of, and how those two sides are going to mix together, whether harmoniously or not.
So there we have it, someone else it living my life, but I think I can live with that. I understand now that finishing something that I have started should be important to me and that leaving loose ends untied only make my situations more complicated and hurtful. I've learned that to speak your mind can mean weaving a web of lies, but to speak your heart causes the truth to come out every time. There are no absolute certainties in life except that things will be difficult, wonderful and stupid; for lack of a better word.
posted by Elinor at
8:46 PM
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