wow.

I hate comcast. It is the most unreliable money grubbing company on the entire fucking planet. I have zero patience for Comcast, there is nothing that makes me more mad than the fact that I pay a ridiculous amount to get absolute shit service that keeps cutting out on me.

I hate my job too. I hate it so much. It now consists of me going to work, doing what I do, and then the owner tells me what I did wrong. It's like being a hostage at all times. I can't even breathe because of the amount of stress this job puts on me. I don't like being yelled at every thirty seconds, as odd as that sounds. I don't like it when people just constantly make me feel stupid about the things that I do. I think that she is trying to get me to be something that I am definitely not, and something that I am fine with not being. Maybe I'm just not a good cocktail waitress, couldn't that just be the answer? But still i trudge on to work, dreading the next 11 hours where I will be subject to criticism coming from all different sides. I dunno how much longer I will be able to do it. Amy has this huge plan for me where she wants me to work there for the last years of my college career and then "live without debts." I was living without debts before, maybe not as prosperously but I was getting along ok. I just don't know how much I'm going to be able to deal with until my head snaps into a pez dispenser and I run out screaming.

I think something Ryan said to me earlier is making a lot of sense. He said that everyone does what they do and makes the decisions they make. Maybe they aren't the right decisions but at the time there was some reason why you decided to make that choice, something was telling you to go with that option instead of perhaps the right one. Forget your shit, you don't need to bring it around with you, everyones got a rather large amount of their very own. I like that. I think it holds true with a lot of things in my life. Cut the shit. Cut the fat.

I've been attempting to get mad about less things. I get mad so easily at times and I don't like to do that. I think I just apply my feelings towards work to everything. I came home today and Deidre and Kim were talking shit about me in the dining room. Well, not really, I mean they were just talking about how my room is dirty or some shit. Good thing I'm not a big enough of a pussy to hide the fact that I can hear them and that I don't care how awkward that is going to make them towards me. Deidre texted me asking me if I was ok. I said I was fine and that I wasn't mad but i feel like what i should have said was "save it. I'm not really in the mood for your kiss ass shit." But then again things have been going well between the three of us and the last thing that i need is another tirade against me. So, instead, I'm just going to do my own thing for the next couple of days. I have to work mostly on the weekends but I think other than that I'm not really planning on giving them the time of day for a bit. Not to like punish them or anything but I just feel like I'm over the whole talking to my roommates thing for the time being. I don't think they know a thing about me, and I'll just let them think that they do.

I just hate that fake crap that people pull sometimes. Like Deidre feeling bad, or Kim being my best friend whenever she's drunk or people giving you the pity "heyyyyy" right after everyone knows something fucking awkward happened. It's not that it made me feel bad about myself it was just like, honestly? Please stop following me around the apartment and trying to include me in your shit, I don't want to hang out with you. I don't really want to be around you. Leave me alone. I just don't feel like particularly dealing with it, but I don't feel like being mad about either, so I'm just going to ignore it. What a Cancer way to handle things.