I hate how nothing works out. I hate every decision I've ever made. I hate every thought that I've ever had because they've never gotten me what I wanted and needed. I can never be ok with anything, I have to sit with it and stew with it and let it fucking fester me until I wish it had never happened rather than having to think about it in a sinful matter. In a matter as something that I did wrong or something that I just shouldn't have even gotten myself into. That way I think makes me think that there isn't any hope, that I should give up, that there are reasons why I am the way I am. But truly, I am the way I am because I don't know how else to be without thinking that I can't pull it off, without thinking I'm a total flake out. I wish I was moving away to some huge city where no one knew my name or my face or me. I wouldn't have to betray anyone but myself then. It's the only thing that I can think of where I'll be at rest. I have to rid everyone of me. I have to get rid of all traces of me.

I hate boys.

So it's officially over. Am I over it? Yes. Am I over him? No. He was my ultimate high school crush (except XAM of course.) He was the guy that was unreachable to me. Now that I've had him, I'm not sure I'd ever ask for him again. Maybe because he actually CALLED me for us to break up rather than actually coming to see me. I didn't have anything to say to him. I don't have anything to say to him now. It's over and I'm cool with that, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck or that I'm not sad about it, or that it's not going to be hard. It's going to be really hard.

But Joe's here and he really knocked some sense into me. It's kinda odd that it came from him, seeing as he's an idiot. He just kinda said that I shouldn't put up with some shit that I do put up with. We've just been hanging out lately and I really like that. We're a lot alike so we get alone I guess.

Last night there was a bat in my house and my mom literally started crying and Joe was freaking out too. They made me look through the house for it. I found it in Molly's room sitting on top of the door frame to her porch. Joe stood at the door while I had to go and prop the other door to the outside open. He kept trying to shut the other door and I was yelling at him and he was like "I don't want to let it out" so in other words he doesn't want it coming near him. So I finally talked him into throwing a sheet at it and shutting the door really fast until it flew out and I had to shut the door. Basically I saved the day and all would have been lost if I had not been there.

I have to clean my room before my mother cuts off my head and so that I can go kick it with people tonight.

Life.

This is what I want to say and I don't want to say it no more!

When you lie to me, I don't know what to do. I've never lied to you. All I ever wanted was to pick up all the pieces and put them back together your way.

But that was the thing, it was always about you and your way. Even when it wasn't, it was. It was always about what you wanted to do, I did anything and everything that you asked of me. Did I really turn into what everyone was saying I was turning in to?: A relationship carpet. I let him leave me in the rain, downtown, at my back door. I let everything go, giving myself excuses and now that it's really the time for me to let him go, I can't even stand the thought of him telling me he doesn't like me anymore. I can't stand the thought of it ending, even if it already has more than it should have. Sometimes I feel like we just didn't get our time. We didn't get enough time to grow, and that's why I hate that it's ending. I hate that it's ending because there were so many things that we hadn't done, but to him it seemed like we were already sick of each other.

People say that everything is forgiveable to your loved one, but I can't forgive him. I forgave him the first time and he promised me it wouldn't happen again. But it did, and it was even worse the second time, it ended up being the one moment where I felt the shittiest I had ever felt in my life. No matter how much he apologized I couldn't believe him. No matter how many times he told me he loved me, I couldn't believe him. Was I being selfish because I wasn't willing to forgive him because he hurt me as bad as he did? I don't think so, because it's how I feel and I can't change that. The difference between the two of us is that I was willing to work it out, and he had already given up. There were about a million times that I could have done what he did, but I didn't. I just feel like when I was trying, he wasn't.

Sorry, but it's not that easy, you have to be more than hoping that it's going to work out. You can't keep ignoring me, eventually I'm going to have to stop ignoring you.

So I did become the carpet, that sucks. So you've given up, that sucks. So I still love you, that sucks.