I don't know how good reading is for me at times. I get so bored with my own life that I immerse myself completely in theirs, getting further and further away from coming back to the real world.

I need a change. Like a huge change. Something that is going to excite me and make me change for the better. Im just sick of most of the elements that make up my life currently. I'm sick of my friends, sick of my clothes, my hair, myself. I feel like I'm a really lame person. Like one of those people that your friends with but that you don't really have an opinion on because she's too disconnected from everyone to really care enough. I'm becoming less social. I'm closing in on myself more and more, my book is leading me through it.

There is nothing particularly special about the book that I am reading right now. In fact it's kind of embarrassing. I'm reading the Twilight series, they're actually fairly decent. They're quick reads and basically romance novels for teens. I think I just like imagining life otherwise, other than the way that I live it. I like to think that there are alternatives that see the lighter, or darker, side of life, that there are some people already closer to hell and heaven than others.

I'm going to work soon. I'm quitting my job. It's going to be a rough year, I can already feel it creeping up on me. I have zero money and I work all the time. I need a desk job. I need a place where I have to speak with minimal people and have time for my own brain to work on itself. I can't think over things when I'm walking all over a restaurant worrying about whether or not people are getting taken care of. I have to quit, I'll die if I don't.

wow.

I hate comcast. It is the most unreliable money grubbing company on the entire fucking planet. I have zero patience for Comcast, there is nothing that makes me more mad than the fact that I pay a ridiculous amount to get absolute shit service that keeps cutting out on me.

I hate my job too. I hate it so much. It now consists of me going to work, doing what I do, and then the owner tells me what I did wrong. It's like being a hostage at all times. I can't even breathe because of the amount of stress this job puts on me. I don't like being yelled at every thirty seconds, as odd as that sounds. I don't like it when people just constantly make me feel stupid about the things that I do. I think that she is trying to get me to be something that I am definitely not, and something that I am fine with not being. Maybe I'm just not a good cocktail waitress, couldn't that just be the answer? But still i trudge on to work, dreading the next 11 hours where I will be subject to criticism coming from all different sides. I dunno how much longer I will be able to do it. Amy has this huge plan for me where she wants me to work there for the last years of my college career and then "live without debts." I was living without debts before, maybe not as prosperously but I was getting along ok. I just don't know how much I'm going to be able to deal with until my head snaps into a pez dispenser and I run out screaming.

I think something Ryan said to me earlier is making a lot of sense. He said that everyone does what they do and makes the decisions they make. Maybe they aren't the right decisions but at the time there was some reason why you decided to make that choice, something was telling you to go with that option instead of perhaps the right one. Forget your shit, you don't need to bring it around with you, everyones got a rather large amount of their very own. I like that. I think it holds true with a lot of things in my life. Cut the shit. Cut the fat.

I've been attempting to get mad about less things. I get mad so easily at times and I don't like to do that. I think I just apply my feelings towards work to everything. I came home today and Deidre and Kim were talking shit about me in the dining room. Well, not really, I mean they were just talking about how my room is dirty or some shit. Good thing I'm not a big enough of a pussy to hide the fact that I can hear them and that I don't care how awkward that is going to make them towards me. Deidre texted me asking me if I was ok. I said I was fine and that I wasn't mad but i feel like what i should have said was "save it. I'm not really in the mood for your kiss ass shit." But then again things have been going well between the three of us and the last thing that i need is another tirade against me. So, instead, I'm just going to do my own thing for the next couple of days. I have to work mostly on the weekends but I think other than that I'm not really planning on giving them the time of day for a bit. Not to like punish them or anything but I just feel like I'm over the whole talking to my roommates thing for the time being. I don't think they know a thing about me, and I'll just let them think that they do.

I just hate that fake crap that people pull sometimes. Like Deidre feeling bad, or Kim being my best friend whenever she's drunk or people giving you the pity "heyyyyy" right after everyone knows something fucking awkward happened. It's not that it made me feel bad about myself it was just like, honestly? Please stop following me around the apartment and trying to include me in your shit, I don't want to hang out with you. I don't really want to be around you. Leave me alone. I just don't feel like particularly dealing with it, but I don't feel like being mad about either, so I'm just going to ignore it. What a Cancer way to handle things.

Stupid.

I am currently sitting...at my apartment. Bored out of my mind. I need two things, and neither of those things are available to me so I have decided that I will attempt to veer my thoughts elsewhere by updating my blog. The blog that i do at times obviously neglect.

I went to see "The Secret Fall of Constance Wilde" this fine evening after going to dinner with Cole. I love the perks of the food industry; the perpetual nature of working in the food industry, the crabby over-stressed people that have fallen into that very perpetual nature, and FREE Guthrie tickets! What else could you ask for?

The other night my friend Jony called me to tell me he was up and moving to New York to go to Culinary school, dropping out of college that is. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly jealous. When high school was on the winding road down I expected myself to not only get out of Minnesota, but to make myself something that I knew I would love. I do not think that I liked myself in the littlest bit when I was in high school, but I suppose that is how most people feel after they move on from that stage in their lives. I think in some ways I expected myself to go to New York, or Chicago, or San francisco, somewhere stupidly trendy and excruciatingly immersed in culture so that I could lose myself in it and hopefully come out without a drug addiction. I think this became less appealing after my brother did exactly what I just described, only he was not so successful.

After hanging up from talking to Jony I began the sort of circle thinking that causes my chest to heave and my brain to overwhelm itself. What if I get stuck here forever? What if I become a lifer at a restaurant and never make anything of myself? What if I just remain the fruit fly i have become? Will I be lonely forever, doomed to wonder in spinsterhood? I love Minnesota, but I think in some ways the University of Minnesota is the embodiment of so many stereotypes that I've never believed in and hoped to escape. Instead I just embarked on a whole new chapter in my life, one with even more self-promotion and judgement and even less truth and justice.

The thing is that I know that I love it here. I love my friends more than I ever have before, as said, "You don't go to college to meet your husband, you go to meet your bridesmaids." Although I sit by as my friends, not just people I know, concoct different racist slurs, ways they can get skinnier or blonder, and more things they can spend their parent's money on. I've never been more self conscious and I've never been around more people that I love in all my life. It's a constant conflict, but then again things are never black and white, they are always intertwined. People look for the simplicity in things, in fact they expect them. One would think that something as simple of an emotion as happiness would be easy to achieve, yet people fail to realize that frustration is the most common of human emotions and trying to work your way around it is folly. Trying to do one thing without it's complete contradiction is almost impossible. There is always the other side to think of, and how those two sides are going to mix together, whether harmoniously or not.

So there we have it, someone else it living my life, but I think I can live with that. I understand now that finishing something that I have started should be important to me and that leaving loose ends untied only make my situations more complicated and hurtful. I've learned that to speak your mind can mean weaving a web of lies, but to speak your heart causes the truth to come out every time. There are no absolute certainties in life except that things will be difficult, wonderful and stupid; for lack of a better word.