The truth. I was lying to you all before.

Currently. At this very moment. I am extremly unhappy.

I don't like the U. I actually don't think that I can see myself going here next year. I was wrong about thinking that I could handle it's size. I can't. I hate how big it is, there are too many people and too many of the people are people that I don't care to know. I still haven't found my nitch and I don't see myself finding it anytime soon.

I don't like my classes. I think they're stupid and none of them interest me except my Biology class. I don't like the people in my classes because they are all the same and they probably think the same thing about me.

I don't have a crush on anyone and that's the suckiest thing ever. I don't even know enough boys here to have crushes on any of them. It's awful, I don't know what to think about in my spare time anymore.

My family life is shitty. I miss Joe. I miss Rory. I wish they would call me more. I wish I could see them more.

I hate my room. Nothing in it is like me.

I miss my friends. I miss being around people I love and know. I don't know enough people here to be happy with what I have now.

I feel like I'm the same to everyone. I'm the same person as every other person in the school.

I haven't grown at all. I'm the same person I was in highschool. I'm still unmotivated. I haven't changed and that's a really big disappointment for me. I want to be different. I want to change and grow like everyone else has.

I made a bad decision and that was going to the U. I went here to get more choice in my courses but I don't even get to be in any of the classes I wanna be in. Basically the reason I went here doesn't apply to me anymore.

I don't want to drop out because that's such a waste I can't even begin to think about it. But it's even harder for me to think about starting all over again. It's hard for me to think about going through this all over again.

I'm sorry I lied before.

I'll give ya just what you need.

Today I started to swim (in correspondance with my School Goal). It was really boring. I means wimming by yourself is VERY boring. Katie said she'll go with me tomorrow which is cool.

We were watching the Twin's game! And Torii Hunter hit his 30th homerun and we were talking about all the stuff that the people who caught it are going to get it because Hunter will want it back. We decided that if we were to catch one our terms would be Mauer (for me) and Morneau's (for her) bodies for the ball. I think that's a pretty fair trade...possibly? I think so. Now we just have to catch a ball.

I know that you like honey in your sitr fry. I know that you hold your cups with two hands. I know that you like Nokomis the best. But I don't know much about you I've realized.

I just don't know what to do with myself. My heart is falling apart.

My School year goal

My schedule that I am making myself stick to:

Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays: Swim practice (where I am swimming) from 6-7:30 with Twin.
Class from 9:05-10:00
Sutdy Study Study till 2:00
Practice (where I'm coaching) from 2-4.
Class 4:40-5:30
Study Study Study and then sleep.

Tuesdays/Thursdays: Class all freaking day till 2
Practice (where I coach) from 2-4.
Class from 4:40-5:30.
Eat at Sanford
Work out for at least an hour (either in the pool or out of the pool.)
Study Study Study and then sleep.

I am making myself work out everyday otherwise I will get fat and disgusting.

I could do streamline kicking on my back forever.

Do I have a life? No. No I don't.

I can't do it anymore. PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM TO ME.

And I can't decide who I want Meredith to choose! I mean both of her choices are hot but I can't help but kind of want her to pick Fin because I mean McDreamy is a pussy. He's a mopey little shit and he acts like his life is so fucking hard even though he makes 2 million a year and guess what? Fin has real problems because his wife and parents died and guess what? He's NICER and more NORMAL and doesn't have stupid problems like just being a jealous jerk. But I also think that if she picked McDreamy I wouldn't be devestated or anything, it would just not be as good I think. I think she needs to get over him finally. I think he needs to move on like she was doing.

And Izzy! Izzy is crazy!

And Christina! Why can't she just stop being weird and just act loving towards Burke or something?!

What's even more ridiculous is that I'm talking about a TV show like I know these peolpe or something.

Knowing that I never will.

Spent last night at my house. It was nice hanging out there again. I miss being at home and sadly, I do actually miss being in highschool sometimes. I miss knowing everyone and having all my friends around. I miss having people that I love all around me. Last night I went over to Peter's and everyone hugged me and it was just a nice alternative to college cuz I mean it's not like I know a huge amount of people there. I'm shy sometimes and the last couple of weeks have definitly been some quiet ones for me.

So after going to Peter's I went to Cam's with Andy and Tony and the four of us just hung out on his porch, like always. It was a really good time the best time I've had in a couple of weeks. It's probably the last time I will go there because I'm not really going to come home anymore and since it's almost winter and were not going to be able to hang out there anymore.

Slept at home after I got home at like 3:30ish. Then I went to the Modern with my mom to see everyone. It was super busy there and Mark totally couldn't handle it so I guess that sucks for everyone who has to work with him.

I'm kinda not so excited about going back to the dorm. I just like being around my famiyl especially since I don't think that my family has been getting along too well while I've been gone for the past two weeks. The difference between my dorm and my house is that I used to miss my bed. I could never wait to get into it. Now I don't really miss my new bed yet. That might be because it's extremly uncomfortable but oh well I hope I can eventually learn to appreciate it.

So that's it for today's thoughts.

Learn to forgive. Teach me to live. Why can't the past just die?

I really do hate him now.

There's absolutley nothing like Kasono's uplifting talks that always make you feel better. You can't help but smile no matter how awful a mood your in. I love him.

I now know that me trying was silly and that from now on I just shouldn't even utter the word. The name. I shouldn't think the thought. Act like I was acting before more shit ran into my fan. Not acting. Being. I wasn't faking my disgust, I was and still am disgusted. I'm not making myself this way, I am this way and today just made me even more right.

My Sunshine Buddy works again. It just sways it's head in my window and I know that it's laughing at me. Or laughing with me? It knows that I figured out that I don't need someone close to me making me feel like shit when I have people I don't know to do that.

I'm so fucking glad it's over and that I don't have to even worry about being that person's friend anymore because their last chance was today. Obviously I had to be the man and went the halfway point but they didn't meet me there. Not that that's a suprise but now I know. Now I can keep on ignoring your exisistance, no I can now go back to knowing that you really mean nothing to me again, now I remember why that was true.

Kasono said it toned me down a bit. I don't like that. I liked being wild and actually being myself. I lost my way but now I'm on track again. I don't like being anything less than who I am, and who Kasono loves me for.

Today I had my second day of class and my first day of swim practice. It was a good day. I had a lot of time because my spanish class got canceled so I got a lot of time to do other stuff. I saw a bunch of the freshman swimmer boys and for some reason they all say hi to me. Of course when they do I almost have a heart attack, bascially I die whenever a swimmer is within my vision. They have to be the most intimidating people ALIVE. Honestly, I'm not sure how it is legal or safe for that many BEAUTIFUL, perfectly CHISELED men can coexist in one place, let alone one pool deck.

So here are picutres of dorm. We just moved everything around so it's much more liveable. I wish I could do my homeowkr but at the moment I don't have word processing and that's a big problem.

My new dorm!

So I moved into my dorm yesterday. It's huge, but thena gain it does contain four people. The sucky thing about it is that there are only two desks so my roommate Katie and I don't get desks. It also sucks that our roommates don't talk to the two of us or eachother but whatever we have been doing a good job of having fun with just the two of us and other people amongst the campus. Tomorrow were getting desks, a futon and some sort of table for our teenie tiny tv which might as well be my laptop. But moving all the furniture around tomorrow will be exciting because the set up now is kinda sucky.

Last night was so hectic. Maddy called me and told me I should go to Nolan's. So Katie and I hitched a ride with Raj after having dinner with him. When we got there Maddy wasn't there so I didn't really wanna go in yet. Maddy said she would be there eventaully but I just decied to leave and go to some frat party with my friend Amin. So we traveled back to campus to walk (in the rain!) to the Lodge. We were there for a while then we left for another frat party which we left kinda quick as it wasn't all the great. We went back to my new aquantiances (spelling?) Mitch and Bob's dorm at T-Hall and hung out there until we decided to walk back to our dorm room and Amin and Preston waslked back to Middlebrook (which must have been way worse because it was still raining.) We came back and went to bed.

So that was my first night in college. It wasn't amazing or anything but I guess I had a good time. I should go see Maddy or something today

Sorry Andy, nothing deep today.

Tiredededed.

So I've been too busy to breathe lately. I've been coaching the South team the last mornings and it makes me really really tired. But I can't sleep after I get home because I have to clean and pack and stay awake in case all my packages come.

I miss swimming. And I don't just mean the whole team aspect and being really close with everyone. But I mean actual swimming. Everytime I go to coach I just want to get in and literally just do underwater kicking. I could underwater kick on my back in a streamline for the rest of my life. I really need to start swimming again on my own time but I don't even have time to finish packing by tomorrow! There are so many things I have left to do.

Another thing. I was just watching Spiderman (I know, pathetic, but all my other movies are packed up) and I've decided that not only is Kirsten Duntz the worst actress ever but that she's the most obnoxious actress ever. What the hell did Jake Gyllenhaal ever see in her? Again with the boy being stupid thing.

I just want to stop watching this terrible movie. I just want to go to sleep. I just want my stupid packages to come so I can do just those things.